? When people ask how I?m doing' date=' I have been very honest. This is week 5 without real food for me. I am having a VERY HARD TIME!

? I was so thrilled to get to have some soup in the blender on the first day. Now, I am just plain sick of it! I am really craving real food that I can chew.

? Because I?m not letting myself be around people that are eating real food (like in the teacher?s lounge at work), I think when I hear about food I get completely fixated. (ex. Can?t stop thinking about Wannalise?s post saying her friends ate burgers and nachos! I know this is way more mental to me - but it is really hard!)

? My stomache has started to make some funny noises at random times ? this is a little embarrassing.

? I feel better. My clothes actually fit. Before the surgery I was almost ready to pop out of them.

? Keeping track of fluids is essential for 2 reasons. First of all, I need to space them out throughout the day since I can?t chug them. Second, I have found myself getting so busy at work that I forget to grab my water bottle sometimes.

? I was in the car mid week and sneezed. I reached for a napkin from my glove compartment. This is typically where I stock napkins that I have picked up from various fast food places. THERE WERE NONE LEFT!!!! This was such a turning point because I guess I haven?t been to a fast food place since the beginning of March and I ran out. Very cool, but caught me completely off guard!

? Wednesday was the start of my emotional rollercoaster that lasted the rest of the week. I was not super positive like last week. I was angry, depressed, and resentful since I couldn?t eat like everyone else, and had very little energy.

? I have a friend who is going to be a therapist and gives good advice. She had gastric bypass years ago so she?s been there. When I was at the end of my rope this week, I called her. I explained to her one situation when I had to sit next to an open bag of steaming popcorn and a bunch of chocolate during a planning meeting after school one day. Her advice to me was to say to myself, ?That was really hard, but that hour is now over. Next time it will be just a little bit easier.? I have tried this several times this week and it has definitely helped.

? Pre-op Diet 3 weeks - 20 lbs.

? Week 1 sleeved - 8 lbs.

? Week 2 sleeved ? 2 lbs. (Even though I put the scale away at the end of last week, I took it out halfway through and weighed myself. My small loss made me really mad! I think since I ?feel? like my body is living off almost nothing that I just deserve to lose lots each week. This is one of the many reasons why I need to start seeing a therapist through this process. I am going to talk to my doctor about it next week at my appointment.)[/quote']

 

Well first of all I'm sorry that I passed my fixations on to you! The truth is though each time you conquer you get a little stronger mentally. You have proven to yourself that you can't be defeated by certain things. This is really hard, and I think that those who don't struggle with the mental part are very lucky, but that just isn't me. Changing my stomach is restrictive and offers an instant consequence if I do so much as drink too much water, but that didn't change my brain at all. That part is my job. I think there is lots of wisdom in using therapy or whatever tools you need to in order to make this a lasting change. I know myself well enough to know that unless I change the things about myself that make me feel like I NEED food not for fuel, but to get through different situaions, I can make this effort futile. Please know that it takes STRENGTH to ask for help, and that is what you are demonstrating. Each week this gets a little better. I'm just over three weeks and on my second week I felt so isolated and alone. Do your best not to make this a situation that isolates you. Easier said than done I know, where there are people there will be food, but show up armed, with your trusty water bottle, or your protein shake, and be involved. Be proud of what you've accomplished so far, and the fact that those feet of yours are moving in the right direction. I'm here if you ever need to vent or talk, I'm obviously no vet in the world of sleeve, but I'd be happy to learn along side you. Good luck!

 

I don't know exactly what I'm doing by blogging this post except that I feel the need to save it and be able to read it over and over again. That is all I can say about it at the moment..and this is what I'm feeling as a result of reading it...

 

I stopped taking the antidepressant I was on for a couple of months post op. and those feelings of despair are seeping into my reality. I am trying to deal with things with less medication and more of me or should I say reliance on God, (my higher power). I'm tired and weary and yes still afraid of the unknown. Not having food as my coping mechanism produces all sorts of stress reactions in me. I feel isolated and lonely and I've life and death fears randomly running through my mind. I am trying so hard to be OK, to find my way of accepting my altered world. I went to an OA meeting today and it was packed with all sorts of people who spoke their feelings good and bad. I wanted to put my stuff out there with the rest of them but was just stuck in my body, unable to move--feeling too weak, too hopeless. I still can't believe what I did. I forced myself to change, and like it or not I've got to face life and learn how to live it without the much cherished food of yesterday. It's like I need a road map to help me make my next move. It's like I've lost my way and like a kid lost in a huge department store I don't know where my parents are.