I've been thinking a lot about my new self. The outside, because of course, I'm completely the same on the inside. But yesterday something happened that took me by surprise and frankly stopped me in my tracks. My fiance' and I were sitting, talking as we've done hundreds of times before. Some days we are really in tune to each other, and others not, we own a business so mostly these days it's not. But it was one of those days where he was taking countless calls while we were trying to catch up so he wasn't really in tune to me like I was to him. Here is where I'm going with this story. As we visited, I noticed him looking at my arms. (sidenote: I talk with my hands a lot, and my arms are sagging to high heaven right now if ya know what I mean) so as I was talking, he constantly stared at my arms. I noticed him doing it and said, "Do you like the way I look now" He literally paused (ok girls, you know that pause before the answer...sort of ok, what do I need to say or how can I say this without hurting her feelings) He went on to say "of course I do!" However, that second of silence spoke volumes. When we met I was over 200 pounds..and he likes 'thick' women. I wonder now, if I am as attractive to him as I once was...sure I was overweight, but I have always been height weight proportionate. My skin was fat but wasn't sagging off my bones. I guess I'm just having self-doubt today. I mean, its funny, all my life I thought "....if I just lose this weight, I will be so much happier/better/at peace or whatever. The truth is, I am happy, but its not what I expected. I have to come to grips with the fact that I am 42, and my body looks like a 42 year old that has been overweight for 20 plus years and has yo-yo'd the majority of those years, now my body is a reflection of that. No matter how I try to change it, there are permanent stretch marks, excess skin, indentions, scars from multiple surgerys etc that are a part of me now. The realization that the weight did not DEFINE me after all is harsh. I know I'll overcome, but I wonder how those around me will accept me LOOKING so much different. I went to a family event last week. Most everyone there commented how 'skinny' I looked. I wonder if they were saying that in a bad way. I never wanted to lose too much weight. I don't want to look sickly. This is why I haven't changed my avitar pic yet. I am over 200 pounds in that pic, but as vain as it sounds, I think I look younger than 41 in that pic. When I look at myself now, to me, now that the fat is gone from my face, I look OLD. wrinkles that were stretched out from the fat are now clearly visible. THAT is to me, shocking, I have NEVER had that. (big sigh) I guess I'm whining a little. But just feeling a little down, and know I have done the right thing for myself and health, none of that has changed, just a bump along the road in my lifelong journey to be healthy and happy. Thanks for reading!!