This should be a very happy day for me, because I finally saw Dr Provost yesterday and think he's gonna be great. However, my personal life is going to hell in a hand basket. First, Desiree hasn't worked but 1 day this entire schedule. She's worried about paying her rent and bills, but I'm not only don't have the money to fix it this time like I always have in the past when possible, but I wouldn't if I did. She is so irresponsible with her money all the time that it makes me sick. Shes was crying earlier and I felt sorry for her, but I also told her I didn't have the money to pay her bills and I was going to have my surgery, so she wasn't gettng the little bit of money I have saved. I know she hates me sometimes, but that's part of being a parent. I don't like her very much myself sometimes.

I tried to talk to her tonight about her new found wicca religion, but we ended up arguing about it, as usual. I don't know what to do but pray about it. I feel responsible for it, but I know she's an adult and has to make her own decisions in life. I just pray that she realizes how wrong she is someday soon. I miss my daughter and I feel like she's a stranger to me in some ways because of this. I've tried to read her books and tried to understand what she is doing, but I can't get past the part about being a Christian and knowing that witchcraft is evil. The Bible says so in so many places, but she won't listen to me. I'm afraid for her soul and it just hurts so bad sometimes that I physically feel the pain. I've cried, I've yelled, I've been calm and talked to her, but nothing seems to work. I am going to turn it over to God. I know he still works miracles everyday.

I'm so upset with Donny that I can't see straight. I'm soooooooo sick and tired of hearing about all of these other women that I'm about to stop talking to him period. He knows that it upsets me, because I've told him over and over, but he doesn't care. In fact, I think he enjoys my pain sometimes and that's what hurts the most. Is he hurting me on purpose, or am I just taking it wrong? He's gotten to where he rarely calls me anymore and when he does, all he talks about is Sandy, Kandy, and now there's Carol thrown into the mix. He gets mad if I say ugly things about them, but sometimes I just can't help it. Where were they when he was threatening to commit suicide everyday? Where were they when he so desparately need a good friend to talk to? They weren't there is the answer to it. Hell, he didn't even know any of them then. So, the only person, besides his sister, that was there for him is now being treat like shit. I have done nothing to deserve this kind of treatment and have never allowed anyone to treat me this way before. Am I really that desparate, or is it that I love him? I just don't know anymore, but I'm going to end it soon if things don't change. He's offered to get all of my stuff out of storage and store it in his shop, but I don't know if I want to feel that obligated to him. I just don't know what to do anymore. Ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! At least the way it is now I can tell him to FO and won't have to worry about not getting my stuff back. I need to get my stuff out of storage before they sell everything I own, thanks to Desiree, but I am very uncomfortable with the way our relationship is going these days.

Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day. I need to focus on myself and getting healthy more than focusing on these idiots around me. And they wonder why I can't stop smoking. Hell, they wouldn't be able to either if I were doing this crap to them. It's just that I feel so totally alone right now. I know it's the bipolar thing going on partially, but I don't think thats all of it. I think I'm being treated like shit by everyone around me and I'm basically helpless to do anything about it because I'm disabled. I just need someone to hold me and tell me everything will be better soon. If it isn't, I don't know if I can make it.