Today I thought I would try to post some before pictures on the website. Looking through all my pictures, it was near impossible to find any of myself. And certainly very few posed pictures. Only ones that I hadn't wanted taken...

It makes me so sad. To see all my friends take family photos. (We haven't taken one in five years) To see them post pictures on FB of kids and moms together on the first day of school, knowing I would *never* do that. But, Who am I kidding?? I walk around all the time, people can clearly *see* how big I am. It is no secret. But still how I hate to see myself in pictures.

And the reason is -- It is my reality, I can't pretend I "am not so big" when I look at these pictures. It hurts so much to see the pictures, to know that is what I look like when I *feel* so different. So normal. So regular. But I am not. I am so very big. But I have never felt that big, I have always felt fairly comfortable in my skin. Well, for most of my life, until I gained enormous amounts of weight after having my first son. And I tried so hard to lose it. But then I was pregnant again...And again... and even though I worked hard to only gain 15 pounds with my second and third pregnancies, I was never able to break 200 pounds again. I haven't weighed under 200 pounds since 2003.

That is my first goal. To weigh 200 pounds on Valentines Day. I am not sure if this is realistic or not. about 20 pounds or so in 6 weeks. But I am hopeful for it. I am so hopeful for this change and this chance at a new life for me and for my family.