Last night after my exercise class the instructor came over to congratulate me on how trim and fit I was looking (I wish I looked the same with my clothes off). I told her I have 15 pounds more to go and then I think I'll be done (still not sure about that final goal, I'll have to wait and see). I also expressed how much harder it has become to drop even a pound and we started talking. This instructor weighs 134.5 lbs, down from 136.5 two weeks ago...two weeks ago we started our winter challenge in class where we weigh and record each week on a chart if we want...that's the only reason I know her weight, because she told me her weight that night. She is in her early 40's and has the body a 20 something would die for, definitely an inspiration for me (maybe after plastics some day:-)

Anyway, she expressed that people in her life are always telling her how lucky she is that she can just eat anything because she is so skinny. She then said they just don't understand how hard it is for "us" to lose weight when "we're" smaller so "we" really have to be careful about gaining weight. For the first time I felt almost like I was apart of the smaller group.

My entire life I have been apart of the larger group. I started ballet at 2 and even then was the biggest dancer. Throughout school, cheerleading, and dance team, I was always one of the biggest girls. At the time it didn't really bother me, in fact sometimes I took pride that I could keep up and even beat out smaller girls for coveted spots. I had a pretty positive self-esteem, but was always realistic in who I was and my appearance. But last night I realized that I never considered myself as completely "normal" and definitely not "smaller." I don't think anyone was ever rude about my weight (except my older brother could be brutal, but he was family and didn't count), but I also never truly felt included in conversations about "normal" weight and fears. I remember friends talking about gaining 5 pounds over a semester and how they must lose it before this or that, and I was always like "so, that's not a big deal, it's just 5 lbs." I am starting to get that 5 pounds can make a size difference and means you may or may not fit into those jeans or that dress.

Enough of my ramble, I just wanted to journal this new experience I'm having. I still don't really fit in the "smaller" group, but I'd say I'm with the "normals" at least amongst my friends.