It started Saturday after my first Jazzercise class. We went to Bob Evans (a breakfast like restaurant) I got eggs whites with sausage bits and cheese in them, and actually felt anger that I could only eat a few bites.

The anger got somewhat worse over the weekend as I was throwing away leftovers from my fridge (both doggy bags and home cooked) from the past week. I have a couple of weight loss surgery cookbooks that I just love, but even when I halve the recipes it makes way too much to finish in a few days, and therefore I have to throw food away. My husband and I eat out 3-4 times per week, but since I'm on soft/mushy foods, I still have to order my own meal (soup, crab, fish, etc.) and then just let it go bad in the fridge as there is no way I can finish it.

I tend not to be one to anger easily, but I'm also not one to hold emotions in, so yesterday when I got home from visiting friends and had to throw out food from Friday and Saturday, I lost it. I don't yell, but I just couldn't get myself out of this anger funk. My husband was trying to help by saying things will get better and although I didn't want to hear it at the time, I know he's right. Each week has been better than the last with learning my new stomach and getting in liquid, protein, and vitamins.

I'm still learning my new stomach and how to eat and plan meals. My nutritionist says that I should be eating 2 oz. of protein at a time, but I find that I'm lucky to get in 1-1.5 oz if it's something like chicken or salmon. Usually pushing myself to get the 1.5 oz makes me feel stuffed and uncomfortable. She really stresses only eating 3 meals a day with two protein shakes for snacks, but I think I'm going to have to deviate from her plans because I'm only averaging 450 calories a day (but that's usually with just one protein shake) and really want to get more protein from foods throughout the day. I'm going to call her today to discuss.

As I said to my husband last night, I am so very happy that I took this step and had this surgery and feel so fortunate that we could afford it. I think this is one of the best things I could have done for myself (right up there with earning my degrees). I'm blessed and in no way wish that could reverse the last couple of months. It's just that each day/week I seem to discover another food issue (mostly mental). I guess that's why I'm in therapy:-) One day I hope to be able to say that I'm over my food obsession and I don't even think about it, I just "eat to live." But I'm not there yet, I'm still working through the fact that food brought me so much joy and comfort and I'm missing that somewhat.