15th April 2009.

Hi everyone, hope you've had a lovely Easter, embrasing the new season.

What have I been up to, well let me tell you. So far i'm sticking to my plan. I'm still religiously going to water aerobics every Tuesday morning, and Tai chi every Saturday. I've now joined the gym, done my induction on Tuesday evening, then spent a little time after trying out some of the equipment. Still motivated, praise God. I introduced both tai chi and the gym to my god daugher, so she comes along with me. She's loving it too. When of my cousins has decided she'd like to join me at tai chi due to the health benefits. Great! I't makes it so much more fun having friends and family participating. Do note though, I would still be going along if I didn't have any company.

When I'm at water aerobics, I find it enjoyable and feel like I've had a full 1 hour work out. I find though that I'm having problems with my calfs and the soles of my feet. I really hope this will be sorted out at some stage as it also affects my tai chi sessions.

I have so many health issues to overcome. Honestly, I think this is probably why I'm depressed some times, not that most people notice. I find it difficult to do anything physical, lack of energy and stamina. All I seem to do is pop pills every day for blood pressure, what a cocktail, for my diabetese. remembering to take my inhaler for my asthma, and meds for my cholestrial. to name but a few.

I've not worked this year at all so for the first time, I feel dependent on others. My poor husband is having to take the finacial strain. I do feel sorry for him. I've had to ask for help from my brother, he pays for my tai chi sessions. I was on a fairly good income, now our household income has been cut by half. lots of changes. Its stressful.

My younger sister has been getting on my wick these past few months. Despite explaining what I'm going through, she still trys to make life difficult for me. Forever applying pressure and demanding more from me than I can give right now. Between us, we both look after my mother who has dementia. I don't live too far from my mum. My sister lives on the same road as my mum. My niece and nephew ages 19 and 26 both live with my mum. As a family we agreed that we would allocate specific days when we'd take turns to support mum, ie. provide meals, feed and personal hygiene. That's started out fine. Of the five of my siblings, only my sister and I took on the most of the responsibilities. My younger brother provides mums meal for Thursdays and spends time with her. Family members are always in and out of the house daily. I spent 4 years cooking a varied menue every week for my mum, ensuring it had nutritional value. I would travel from work every evening (2 hours journey), stop off and doing some food shopping for my mum in addition to her normal weekly shop, reach my mums about 9pm and cook till about midnight, wash and dress my mum for bed and keep her company. She's a good laugh and great to talk to. I would prepare food for 7 days of the week. My husband helped out my bring her evening meals at the week end and feed her too.

This year I was told that I had some slight damage to my heart, my kidneys have gotten worse and my blood pressure has raisen. Both bp and diabetese are not controlled well. It was evident that I need to rest some what, and not put too much pressure on my self. I explained this to my sister, she appeared fine at first. After all, my daughter helped me out by going to my mums on my behalf and carrying out any tasks I ask her to do. I continue to send meals to my mum and my husband still feeds her at the week end. All medical needs are sorted by me. I have difficulty walking and depend heavily on my husband or daughter to transport me to most places.

Yet she had the audacity to accuse me of looking after my gran daughter (who live with me by the way) and neglecting my mum. I love my mum very much and have always pushed myself in order to care for her. All I asked is to just give me a little time, while I try and help myself improve my health so that I'm better prepared to take on the responsibilities for my mum. Unlike the rest of us, my sister is being paid to care for my mother at the weekends; and without much notice wanted to take a weekend off. I find her attitude so selfish. She need to plan and arrange for someone to cover in advance, she dose not think so.

Oh gosh, she just adds to my stress. I've still not heard as to when my surgery will be. I thought they would have sent me out a letter by now, specially as they've said I should have my pre assessment in May.

I don't understand what's going on. If I've not heard by next week, I'm going to call again.

I'm trying to stay focused. Hope to see the light at the end of the tunnel.