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Caught between stress and comfort

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lisacaron

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blogs/blog-0004821001378233550.jpgThese last couple of weeks have been a few of the most stressful that I have had since surgery in May.

 

Stress never seems to ebb in my life as much as it flows. You would think that over time this girl would be used to it, but there is no such thing as getting used to stress.

 

You can roll with it and that's what I do, so that I can deal with the issue at hand and so it doesn't drive me insane. However it does drive me to some things that hinder my journey and even have the potential to harm me.

 

I liked to think of it as comfort, but I know my thinking is warped. I want, no rather I need to find comfort in things other than food when life gets tough and curve balls are thrown at my head.

 

The hug of a loved one is good, the escape of a good book, TV show or movie is great, but nothing brings me the comfort of being in my bedroom with the door to the outside world closed, eating a box of skinny cow, or munching on a vat of peanut butter pretzels.

 

I want to run away and hide where no one can find me, but instead I try to heal the wounds so I can keep on going, and the bandages I use to cover up those wounds are food. It's bad..yes BAD because I am hurting myself by doing that. There are times that I will even pull my husband into it with me. I don't let too many people into my sanctuary, he is a willing accomplice that is until we realize that I am hurting him by sharing this unhealthy habit, and that makes me feel twice as bad.

 

Since I have had surgery and before the latest disaster struck, I was working on NOT eating in bed. NOT eating in my bedroom. Keeping meals and snacks in the kitchen and at the table where they belong.

 

It becomes difficult and feels impossible when I feel the need to hide. I want some peace a moment of relaxation, so I run to my bedroom and barricade myself away from the un-relenting caterwauls that come from outside.

 

If it's not one of the 5 kids, (all over the age of 18-actually 4 over the age of 20!) it's one of our parents, or siblings that claw and vie for attention. Usually something life threating, just so you know it's not just the usual hey what's for dinner or I can't find my key kind of stress, those things just compound daily and sometimes cause the force of the stress to be 10 times worse then it actually is.

 

There are days when I feel as though I have PTSD and just the ring of the phone, the whisper in the hallway or the knock on the door is enough to get my heart palpitating, my head pounding and my brow sweaty with anxiety.

 

I know I should lace up my sneakers and go for a walk, or hang a punching bag and beat the ever loving sh*t out of it. Tape the person of the day to it, and punch away. However, when I am emotionally spent and physically exhausted the only thing I fixate on is the drive to the store to buy that box or container of comfort food. When I get home all I want to do is close and lock my door, curl up under the covers and dig in.

 

This week, as I feel myself calming down a bit from the last two weeks of high anxiety and stress I am re-committing to working on these goals. I am hopeful that enough practice even if it is in between crisis I will be able to overcome my need for comfort foods, if not my need for escape, and learn to soothe my stress in more productive ways.

 

After 42 years, I am learning the power of NO and the definition of boundaries. I am practicing using the word NO more often, putting and keeping those boundaries firmly in place.

 

I am also thinking of investing in that punching bag. It could be a fun way to blow off steam! I wonder if they have one I could put on my desk….

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I totally get it. I have a 95 year old mother in a nursing home with dementia, 69 year brother who is mentally challenged and a 90 year MIL. I schlep non stop. 2 years ago this past week end my husband almost died and is getting stronger but is on full disability. I don't have a "ME" life any more. I am almost 63 and it sucks. This site is great because we can all speak our minds and the family doesn't know it.

Smile, we are planting daisies not pushing them up.

I don't do the eating out of control anymore. I did for a while with almonds but don't buy them any more.

Have a better week.

Arlene

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Hang in there Lisa! You can and will get through it all! You are strong and the NO word will come easier and easier with practice. You look wonderful and there is no turning back now...

Ever need a voice on the other end of the phone to talk to...please call me.

Sending you hugs and peaceful thoughts!!!!

~Tracy

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Thanks for blogging. I find that writing really helps with my stress load -- the naming what it is in my life helps me see it in a different way and that helps anchor me.

We have a "light heavy bag" (there's an oxymoron for you) in our basement for our teenaged son to pound on. You may be on to something -- that need to release stress hormones. I can only seem to get it with the treadmill on incline and really walking hard, which I can only do when I'm in shape enough -- a vicious circle. So looking forward to the band as a tool for getting weight off so I can exercise. So much release is needed!

Best wishes to you and thanks again.

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Hang in there Lisa! You can and will get through it all! You are strong and the NO word will come easier and easier with practice. You look wonderful and there is no turning back now...

Ever need a voice on the other end of the phone to talk to...please call me.

Sending you hugs and peaceful thoughts!!!!

~Tracy

Thank you Tracy you are the BEST! I am feeling much better, and this too shall pass I know :)

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I totally get it. I have a 95 year old mother in a nursing home with dementia, 69 year brother who is mentally challenged and a 90 year MIL. I schlep non stop. 2 years ago this past week end my husband almost died and is getting stronger but is on full disability. I don't have a "ME" life any more. I am almost 63 and it sucks. This site is great because we can all speak our minds and the family doesn't know it.

Smile, we are planting daisies not pushing them up.

I don't do the eating out of control anymore. I did for a while with almonds but don't buy them any more.

Have a better week.

Arlene

Thank you, this is a great place for support and venting I totally agree with you there! I am always torn between what's "right" and what's right for "me". With the help of my husband and my friends (all of you!) I am learning the difference and making better choices.

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Thanks for blogging. I find that writing really helps with my stress load -- the naming what it is in my life helps me see it in a different way and that helps anchor me.

We have a "light heavy bag" (there's an oxymoron for you) in our basement for our teenaged son to pound on. You may be on to something -- that need to release stress hormones. I can only seem to get it with the treadmill on incline and really walking hard, which I can only do when I'm in shape enough -- a vicious circle. So looking forward to the band as a tool for getting weight off so I can exercise. So much release is needed!

Best wishes to you and thanks again.

To be honest I think the stress hormones are keeping the weight on. My body is in fight for it's life mode, so it's not letting go of even one ounce of fat for fear it might get eaten by the next Dinosaur!

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