Our stories are very similar!

Like you, I have been "the fat girl" my entire life. I can remember being as young as 5th grade and obsessed with how huge my thighs were. I remember being teased for being big all through junior high. I remember going shopping with my girlfriends in high school and being so ashamed because I couldn't wear anything at the "normal sized" shops they went to.

I did date as a teen but my self esteem was always awful. When I hit college, like you I decided to own being a fat girl. I had more self confidence and I decided I didn't give a rip if someone did like me for me- fat and all.

...but then I had my first child at 21 years old...and got bigger and bigger. Over the years I ballooned up to over 400 pounds. Any self esteem I ever had was long gone and my health was seriously tanking fast.

My best advice is to let go of that "fat girl" mentality. Too often we wear it like a suit of armor not a badge of courage. We're teased and tormented so severely we try to muster up all this false bravado to shield ourselves from being hurt yet again. It is simply wonderful you're doing this for your health- but you have to be ok with the fact there's nothing wrong with doing this to look good, too. You're not letting society or anyone else "win" by getting the Lap Band and losing weight. YOU are winning for taking control of your health so you can live a long, happy, healthy life with your husband.

Best wishes to you

You are bringing up some profound issues here, Kelli -- thanks so much for writing this. I have worries about people liking me better when I'm thinner and that being more "acceptable" is just so screwy it gets my back up. Mis73 thank you for pointing out that this is not a badge of courage but part of a shielding system I've had in place for a long time. I want people to like me/love me how I am, of course, but when it comes time to help me celebrate my newfound health I need to let go of these old hang ups. It's okay to look better even if the real objective is better health. It's okay to be pretty (I have never experienced that feeling and it's hard to write this).

Some one else pointed out somewhere that we all have a role and sometimes there is resistance from within as well as from our families, community etc. to a change in that role -- for whatever that is worth.

You know Kelli, I could tell a similar story and I'm a 60 year old man, as with many of us I found a way to accept the fat and moved on through life. I have just completed my research and made the decision to go with the band, more than the research I had to self examine why now and why I am willing to tackle something this extreme. For me it came down to being here for my wife and family as an active and healthy senior, as we head into retirement. It has taken a while for me to learn to want this and begin to feel comfortable with this decision. So I think it' s a process, you have to see what it does for your future, what it will do for the health you seek, and not acceptance of people who don't support us, even if it's family.

I enjoyed reading your story. When I met with my original surgeon, long story, I said I felt like a failure because I needed the Band! She said I was not a failure but I was helping myself with a tool. She was right. I love my tool. I love no more 'fat stores'. I can fit into booths in restaurants and no longer have to ask for table and chairs. I can keep up with my grandsons. Don't think that getting the band means you are a failure and need help. We all need help everyday. In other ways.

By the way, did you ever model?

good luck with your choice. Maybe go to the support meetings with your husband. I go every month and most of the time my husband comes with me for support.

Can I say that I relate as well, but wanted to add that one thing I have learnt being 5 years post banding is that I never changed. On the outside? Yes. How people treated me? Definitely. But the fundamental part of me, who I was, who I am, remains the same. That doesn't change with the what you weigh.

The difference though between me and someone who was always thin is that I recognise that someone's weight doesn't define them. And it doesn't define me. Nor should it define you. Fat, thin, you will still be you.

Thank you, all, for the feedback! It's good to see that others can relate. You've all given me some good advice and things to think about. I appreciate it.

@Dylan -- No. I never did the modelling. Also, Jim (my husband) has been amazingly supportive through all of this. We have done most of the classes together. At our center, the band is not popular (we call it the "red-headed step child") and where he was post-op, he was able to speak to the band and his success.

In case no one has figured it out...I am the husband LOL. I am happy Kelli has finally joined up on the site and she can hear things first hand from a woman's perspective/experiences. :-)

In case no one has figured it out...I am the husband LOL. I am happy Kelli has finally joined up on the site and she can hear things first hand from a woman's perspective/experiences. :-)

Hahaha I wondered if you were her husband!! I didn't say anything out of respect for both of your privacy, but as I read her story I was going in the back of my mind "hmmm, I bet this is Jim's wife!"

@Kelli, we're thrilled to have you with us!

I love talking with Jim!! He is super. Welcome to the club.

I have been the "fat friend" my whole life! I also decided to "own" myself, but it was in my thirties instead of my twenties. I've decided that who I am has nothing to do with the number on the scale. BUT...I need to be healthy. And if any of my "friends" end up feeling cheated because they lost their "fat friend" and find no place for the real me in their life...so be it. I've vowed to be true to myself. It's all about me, baby!!!! (LOL...I'm not really that selfish, but it's fun to say that!)

Hahaha I wondered if you were her husband!! I didn't say anything out of respect for both of your privacy, but as I read her story I was going in the back of my mind "hmmm, I bet this is Jim's wife!"

Ditto!!