This morning I met my goal for the week. I managed to get to the gym every day this week and worked out hard. I am consistently increasing resistance and endurance. And - I hate to admit it - I enjoy it. By the way, I'll deny that if anyone asks!

So this morning, I was on the elliptical with my headphones, getting my jam on and feeling pretty good about myself because I'm making progress and meeting goals. As usual, I was watching the tv monitor above my machine (not much else to do at that point). Normally, they have it tuned to news or sports that early in the morning (at 5:30, there's not much else on). Today, for some reason, they had it on a channel that was just infomercials. The first was for make-up and the second was for hair products. As I sweated and pedaled faster, I learned all about how as a woman, I really need to have those make up products and how vital it is that my hair is shiney and bouncy. I really started to get pissed.

I am SO SICK of hearing that I need just this one more thing to make me acceptable. The make up commercial interviewed a woman with a birthmark on her face that she could cover up with this make up. She cried as she talked about how she felt she could not go out in public because of her shame about how she looked - until she discovered this make up. Now she can cover her "imperfection" and hold her head up high in public because no one knows what she really looks like. What a tragic commentary on our society! I work on a daily basis with political refugees from other countries who have spent their entire lives just trying to survive. Some have been tortured, imprisoned, had fingers or limbs amputated in the course of "interrogations," had their families threatened, on and on and on. Seriously?!? We're worried about shiney hair?!?

All day I have fought the urge to eat. I finally figured out why. I am such a passive aggressive person, I think a huge part of me wants to stay fat just to give a great big finger to everyone who would judge me on something like what size I wear, how shiney my hair is, or how smooth my skin looks (oooh - and by the way, I'm not sure I can go on with such stubby eyelashes. Life just isn't worth living!)

I'm sick of hearing how inadequate I am. My teeth aren't white enough (or straight enough), my skin isn't clear enough, my legs aren't smooth enough, my hair isn't full enough, shiney enough, straight enough, or curly enough. I don't smell good enough and my lips aren't red enough. But don't worry - there's a plan, product, or prescription for all of it! (My personal favorite is the prescription for thicker eyelashes. REALLY?!?!)

Dammit! I'm good enough just as I am! If I never lose another ounce! I will do this, but I will do it on MY terms and for MY reasons. I do not need to fit into their mold and meet their expectations, because no matter how much I do, it will never be enough. I have been suckered in to that shame and feeling of inadequacy all my life and I refuse to buy into it for another second!

I will be healthy (truly healthy - body and mind) not because of society's pressure, but in spite of it!

(Now can someone hand me a step ladder so I can get down off this box....)

Shelly