It's taken me a long time to get my head screwed on right. I went from being heavy to being too thin, and after a lot of analysing, I decided that I'm finally happy with my weight. Because I'm not all about my weight.

This was a difficult mindset to come to. I sometimes wonder, when I was losing, whether or not I'd traded one obsession for another: food for weight loss. My whole goal was to lose, and it didn't matter what the scale said, I kept wanting to lose.

My best friend eventually intervened. She told me she thought I was too thin. She could see the ribs in between my cleavage, my hip bones stuck out, my head looked too big for my body.

My doctor did too. He said if I didn't stop losing, he would unfill me a little. So I worked to gain a little bit to get to a BMI of 23, not because I wanted to, but because I was scared that if he unfilled me I'd gain it all back.

Fast forward a few years, and my band starts leaking. My worst fears come true - I start gaining. I get disillusioned with my doctor's failed attempts to fix it, and I fall off the grid, and off the wagon. I start gaining and I don't care. I've given up.

Christmas comes around and I go on vacation to spend it with my son and when we go to the park, I realise that for the first time in 4 years I can't keep up with him. The penny drops and I remember why I got banded in the first place: for him.

That same moment, I make a decision to turn my weight gain around. I start tracking my calories, and exercising, and I lose weight, and I then make an appt to see my dr again to try to get back on track. At that appt, he withdraws the fill and it's immediately apparent that my band is still leaking, and we discuss what we should do next.

The next few weeks really confused me: Do I replace? Do I revise to a sleeve? Can I do this on my own? Am I really not capable of maintaining without the band? Am I really so hung up on weight loss that I'm going to go under the knife again??

And more importantly, was I really unhappy? My weight changing didn't change me, it just changed how people saw me. Did I really want to get on that rollercoaster of weight loss being so important that I'd get too thin?

So I made a decision: I'd get a replacement, because maintaining my weight was a lot easier with a working band, but I would not make weight loss my goal.

It was for this reason that I decided I didn't want to lose anymore, and instead would get lipo to 'take care' of the problem spots.

I'm not 5 days post lipo and by all accounts I'm exactly where I want to be.

So what's the point of this post? That self-same best friend yesterday asked me how much fat they'd taken out during lipo. Did I lose any weight?

So this morning I weighed myself. And yes the scales have gone down. And I was ecstatic. And all day today I'm thinking 'maybe I should try to lose a few more kilos, I could still stand to lose some weight' until I caught myself and shook myself out of it.

Body image. It's such an insidious damaging thing sometimes. Because we constantly have to convince ourselves we're good enough, that we're happy enough, that we don't need to be better than we already are and actually believe it. And it's a battle you can't ever let your guard down on. And I'm angry with myself for having succumbed to that vicious inner voice in my head today. She really needs to shut the hell up.