I am sorry I have not blogged in a while. Life got busy and is about to get busier.

I promised when I started blogging to tell the good and the bad so here goes..

Last month was a ton of bad. Not the bands fault. However, it was easy for me to blame the band and say WTH when it was me trying to sabotage myself all along. Not only did my weight loss come to a screaming halt, I gained 4lbs back in one week. One day I felt great and the next I felt no restriction. It was like I never had anything done. For some weird reason I freaked out and started eating and eating to try to feel "full". I am still not quite sure why I did that. I "know" what my portions should be and how I should eat. I do not know why I was looking for that "full" feeling other than I reverted back to eating for comfort which is something I thought I had conquered. Apparently not. So I went in for my monthly check up with my doctor with my b***h on. I was furious I gained weight, convinced I should have done another surgery, pissed at the world because "What if I did all this and am fat forever?"

Now, my doc is a no bullshit kind of guy. He doesn't do well with whining because he has the band himself and he knows whats up. Its like a teenager getting caught sneaking out of the house by a parent who already did all that when they were a teenager. You can't really get anything past this guy. So he comes in the room and says What's going on? Are you drinking your calories? Are you partying? Are you eating a ton of carbs? *Bingo* the Carb alarm goes off. I don't drink and seriously with 6 kids who the hell has time to party? But I was eating baked potatoes, mashed potatoes, fried potatoes. They went down well. I had stopped recording all my calories and was only going to the gym 3 days a week. He told me absolutely no veggies that grow under the ground from now on. Exercise 3 times a week was only going to maintain for me so he wants 45 minutes 7 days a week. *faint* My poor inner fat girl wanted to cry.

He asked me what exactly did I expect? The weight was not going to pack its bags and take off on its own. I had gotten lazy again because the band had been working so well for me that I thought I didn't have to work anymore. We did another fill and guess what? I had to re learn how to eat! I thought it was too tight for a bit but it was my bad habits again. It was hard the first week after the fill. I got stuck and finally learned what people mean when they say they "slimed". It is gross and a horrible feeling and completely my fault again. I got complacent. I got lazy again and looked for anyone but myself to lash out at.

This month I am back on track. I have learned that eating a lot during the day is not going to be something I will ever do again. I have very small meals now but I am not looking for the feeling of "full" anymore. I understand now that is not what I need. I need to make sure I don't get dizzy or light headed from not having enough food. Feeling "full" is too much. I have replaced all the potatoes I was eating with squash or zucchini. I replaced a lot of the meat I was eating with fish because it has a lot of protein that I desperately need. I need to make sure that every single day I push my body just for a little while. I need to make sure I am helping the band work. Not expecting it to do all the work. I lost sight of the fact this band is a tool not a cure.

This month I lost all the weight I had gained back. I made it to the next decade down. Since seeing the doctor 3 weeks ago I have lost 8 lbs. I feel great. I am not going to be "fat" or should I say "unhealthy" forever. I have forgiven myself for slipping up. I think maybe that is the most important thing. I have owned the mistake and forgiven myself for it. I will never come on here and bash this tool and say it is evil or its all the bands fault things are not working out for me. The band is an inanimate object. Not capable of either being good or bad or having choices. We control it. We decide how it works for us.

The thing I want people to take from this is if you are in a stall or a plateau right now really look at everything. See maybe the tiny things you might be doing. Do NOT get angry. Try to stay calm and look at it from all angles. Write down everything. Write down how you are feeling emotionally, what are you eating, when are you eating? Once I started keeping logs again I figured out what was wrong. Don't give up hope and don't take it out on yourself or the band. It's just a matter of figuring out where the roadblock is and you will be back on track. Keep your head up. It does not have to come off over night. The goal is to be healthy. You are on track for that already.

I have gone from 305 to 259 since January 11. I am going slow but I am doing it. All I can ask of myself is to be nicer to me.