June 12, 2013

Hi...

Well, here I am, having been contemplating weight loss surgery for some time...years?...but always thinking I SHOULD be able to control my weight with the various "successful" at one time or another diets I have used, schemes, wishes, vows (some complete with oaths!), pleas to God, 12 step programs, diet pills that bind fat or magically work as in the recent coffee beans "plan" of action.

Two days ago I attended an info session on weight loss surgery options at Lahey Clinic in Burlington, Massachusetts. My partner, Don, came with me. The presentation, by Dr. Dimitry Nepomnayshy was excellent...direct, funny at times and sobering too. Certainly none of the 3 options discussed would be easy; none would be a 'magic bullet', for sure. He made it clear that for anyone thinking the surgery would work without exercise (arghhh) they might just as well leave the room NOW. Same thing for having any lingering illusions that the surgery would work if one didn't make the correct choices around types and quantities of food after the surgery. The analogy of a 3 legged stool was powerful.

I am thinking about my own history...diets without exercise...and/or little ongoing exercise and how the 3 legs or wheels work. A 3 wheeled bike...tricycle has stability and prevents a toddler from falling off the bike (and lots of us older people start riding BIG trikes for the same reason...) When I last rode my bike (a two wheeler!) last year I was a bit wobbly over rough areas and when traffic approached...if I were to stop the bike would tip over if I didn't balance by putting at least one foot on the ground. Yet when I dieted and didn't exercise eventually I fell off... it was hard to get up...hard to want to get up once I started eating. It was not as though I didn't know better...it was not that I had forgotten what worked for me...I would just simply want to stay in the food for awhile...since I had fallen I might as well stay where I was for "awhile". I will start tomorrow...or after the weekend...or after the wedding...or after the holidays...or after the summer...and then...before I reach 150 lb. again, which became 160, 175, 190, 200, 225...and now I can say "at least I am not 279 and 3/4 lb. again!!" Good grief. I need stability and the 3 legged stool or tricycle for stability is making sense.

Can I commit and follow directions? I do think I can. I have dieted or followed my different food plans successfully a number of times through the years. More often though...most of the time...I would start the day well...and be in the food before the day was over...sometimes within minutes of my vow that "today is the day" and "this time will be different".

In my 12 step program I once lost 140 lb. and got down to 139...which felt fabulous and I looked great. Moreover, I had such energy and loved how I looked in my size 6 petite dresses...not size 2X or some 3Xes. Once I bought a size 5X sweatshirt so it would be big and roomy, I thought. Well it is not healthy to be wearing a size 5X and rationalizing I had looked smaller because it didn't cling anywhere. It would have fit over my dishwasher and I thought it looked good on me because it felt good on me. I gave it away on my way down the scales...but later wished I had it back...when I was on my way up.

All my life I have been either on the way down...or on my speeding train ride back up! Being the same weight the first day of Spring and fall would be just a coincidence, should it ever have actually occurred. The clothes in my closets go from size 4 (believe it or not) to size 3X. Out of date, out of style...no matter...I have saved so many things. Clothes that I thought were "fat" clothes on my way up...look tiny now, sixty some odd pounds heavier. Even half my shoes don't fit...and I have a lot of shoes. My feet gained weight and shoes can hurt!

I have an appointment with my pcp this Friday to get his referral and support. Yesterday I called Lahey Clinic and have given them my information and have an appointment with a surgeon on June 27th. I am nervous but excited. I can visualize this extra weight off my body again. It is not going to be easy. It is not without risk...but it is risky whether I go back to my 12 step program or weight watchers ...and my history tells me that for some reason I will not be successful at losing enough to to try maintenance again. I am overweight enough to quality for insurance to cover my surgery. Statistics indicate that I have the best chance of recovering my body and vitality with a combination of correct diet in smaller portions, exercise and surgical help. I am 70 now. I don't think I can play around with obesity any longer before I start having serious health issues.

Enough for today.