A confession
Many of you know my story, banded February 2012, reached my goal weight in December 2012 and have been trying to maintain that weight since. Many of you say I’m a success and look to me for advice & guidance.
My biggest fear with this journey has been gaining my weight back once I reached my goal. I never feared the surgery or the weight loss; I knew I could do it. But, could I handle maintaining this weight for the rest of my life?
Tonight, I failed. I failed myself, I failed my band and I failed my family. I am so disgusted with myself that I want to hide in a corner so no one will know…..
But, I must face it and confess.
I had purchased a box of chocolate drumstick ice cream cones for my step daughter this weekend. She ate 1; tonight I ate the other 9. YES 9! At 170 calories that is 1, 530 calories in less than 1 hour. One right after the other, big bites shoving them down as fast as I wanted. The band didn’t stop me, in fact it didn't make a sound, let me gobble away a lot of hard work.
I write this confession with tears running down my face. I feel like a complete and utter failure. I knew I would f** it up and I did. I can’t even tell you why I ate them. My evening routine was no different than any other night, wasn’t bored or depressed or stressed. I saw the box, opened one knowing darn well I shouldn’t and then the only thing that stopped me was getting to the bottom of the box. I honestly wished to get sick so I would stop.
It was complete sabotage. I was trying to failure. I have to face this and stop it. I do not want to gain weight, I do not want to binge eat like this and have this sick feeling.
I had to make myself write this blog, I had to face up to it. This is the only way to grow and learn. I am only human doing the best I can. I will put this behind me and move on.
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