It's been awhile since I've been here, and I thought I should check in and say hello! It's been awhile since I've updated "My Other Butt" blog as well, I'm thinking close to a year. I know, I know.. I ought to be ashamed of myself, but that year has been an over-sized portion of awesome, and I'm just not finding room for guilt and shame today! I have always been a lover of life, and I have always known that there is a difference between existing, and living, yet the past year has had many lessons to teach me about knowing my own value, and refusing to settle for less than my own happiness. In the process of painting my life with ALL of the colors rather than being too lazy to change the two or three I have always settled for, I learned that I had NO idea what it meant to step outside of my comfort zone, or to really think outside of "the box." It makes me chuckle to think that I thought I'd been doing both of those things for years!

In about a month it will be two years since my lap band surgery. Most of the first year was spent in awe of how quickly my body changed, and the second year has mostly been spent in awe of how my mentality, attitude, metabolism, energy, health and perspective have changed. And after all of that, I can say that I'm still the same person that I always was, I just have new vision and appreciation for the things that I was blinded to for so long.

When I first began this journey, I could only hope, dream, and wonder what changes would take place for me in two years time. It seems like in the blink of an eye my focus changed, my will became infinitely stronger, and I find myself making a valiant effort to learn how to be "selfish." It's not easy. It is my nature to be a pleaser and a giver, neither of which are bad things until giving to others and pleasing those I love become more important that what I need for myself. I speak up more. I say "NO" more. I no longer feel guilty for speaking my mind or saying "no",these days. Both of those in huge contrast to the way I dealt with them two years ago.... I'm learning to stop saying" I'm fine" when I'm not, and I'm learning to be honest when asked what I need, or what I want. (Gasp). Both of those are things I've been unable to do for far too long, and have often seemed nearly impossible to overcome. I'm successful, and still I fail sometimes too, but it's pretty amazing to be able to see a reason to keep trying, and for my motivation to be ME, rather than letting guilt and fear of hurting someone continue to drive me along. .

Within the first 10 1/2 months I lost more than the normal weight of another person my size. And suddenly... I was too thin. Wait.. WHAT? Yep, you saw it right. I got too thin before my first year out from surgery. It took my boyfriend, my family, and my good friends to convince me that I needed to have some fluid removed from my band so that I could eat more. For the first time in my entire life, I needed to GAIN weight, and I can't begin to tell you how terrifying that was for me. I wasn't even remotely convinced that I could do that without ending up back where I started. I suddenly knew first hand why it was so important to pass a psychiatric evaluation in order to be approved for the surgery. The entire process has affected far more than my physical body.. in fact, I'm very sure that so far the physical changes are minimal compared to the emotional and psychological changes I've seen in myself.

Right now I weigh 149 pounds. I am barely over 5'3". I wear size 7 jeans, sometimes size 9. I was down to size 4. I wear size large shirts, and had been down to a small and occasionally extra small. My body is curvy, and I look very average, and very healthy. My hair is starting to look shiny and thick again after getting very damaged, thin, and dead looking that first year. I am still my own harshest critic, and I will always be afraid of waking up one day and the past two years of my life will have been nothing more than a dream. It's still surreal, and I'm afraid I may never let my guard down and get comfortable enough to stop worrying about giving up and getting fat because I forgot to take care of myself first, or I forgot how lucky I am that my band worked exactly how it was supposed to without complication and without taking 2 or 3 years to reach my goal. For me, it was magical, and miraculous, and though I wish I could say easy, I absolutely can not. I worked hard. I learned to listen to my body and what it needed. I learned to stop denying my body, mind, and spirit. I made some sacrifices, and I overcame strong fears to do the right thing for myself. Don't believe for a moment that any of it was taking the easy way out. Don't believe that when I say it was "magical" that I mean without effort or pain. And if you're just starting out on your journey or perhaps just researching the lap band as an option for yourself the most important thing you should know is that everyone's story is different. You may do it faster, you may take three times as long to see results. You may breeze through every aspect of it without incident, or you may find obstacles at every turn making you question your choice or your ability to see it through.

Standing here nearly 2 years later I don't have a single regret. Lap band was the perfect choice for me. And even though I accomplished what I set out to do, my current weight and body aren't the best part of the deal for me. The best part is at the end of the day I know who I am, I love who I am, I didn't poison my soul or compromise it by being afraid to stand up and speak out, and none of that can be purchased or forced on anyone. For me it was the positive result of taking care of myself nomatter how inconvenient, time consuming or difficult it got to do so.

I wish the same realizations for all of you!

Here's me: with nephews and grandbabies