Ireally have no place else to talk. I really don't want to talk to my family. I have tried half way to tell them but they are so wrapped up in their own lives that they don't hear. This past year has been hard. I have not had any kind of follow up or fill since June of 2012. First of 2012 my husband was sure he was gonna die. He had two huge abdominal hernias and was convinced that either they or the surgery to repair them would kill him. He did not want me out of his sight. I did not leave the house much because he wanted to know where I was in case he needed me. He would go to the shooting range once or twice with a friend but he wanted me close to the phone if he called. Talked him into the surgery the end of May. It went great. He was up and walking the same day and home the next. Except for him being an ass because of nicotine withdrawal it was a good thing. By August he was feeling really well. The thing is he had gotten so used to be being always available, he continued to want to know my every move. In the mean time, my lack of interaction with people, I believe has increased my depression. I am not very active. I know the band is restricting how much I eat, but I am not doing well with what I eat. Add to the fact that this past year I have been plagued with breaking teeth and abcesses to the point that I have lost all my upper jaw teeth. I just got my upper partial about 2 weeks ago. After being several months with our chewing ability, I am having to learn to eat food that I can chew instead of slider foods. Then husband had a bad fall that almost killed him. I felt bad for him at first. He had both wrist injured and one knee but the worst was he had a facial fracture and a brain bleed. He almost had to have surgery to stop the brain bleed but it stoped with medical treatment. He was in the hospital for 4 days. Again he became quite an ass with out his cigarettes. He also has a problem with urinary frequency and he can' t pee into a urinal. He had several "accidents" if you know what I mean and he was very hard to handle in the hospital. That was just before Thanksgiving. My son, his wife and the two kids age 5 and 7 were at the house for several days right after I brought him home. I love my granddaughters but they can destroy a house in very short order and I am afraid to rant about it for fear of getting on my DIL's bad side. Long history there. Huband's behavior has been even more difficulty since the fall. Or maybe I.m just becoming more......I don't know what I'm becoming. I think he is more rude than ever. He thinks nothing of interrupting what I'm doing but gets upset if I interrupt him. If I go out like to the grocery without him he has to call and check up on me a couple of times while I'm gone. I find myself wishing that he didn't make it after the fall. I sometimes wish I could go to sleep and not wake up. I think about what I could do if he wasn't here. I confess that I have taken a large amount of benadryl as well as my usual bed time medication in hoe I wouldn't wake up. But as you can see it didn't work. Sometimes I feel really angry and others I feel like crying, a lot. I don't because I know husband would ask too many questions. Nobady call me any more except occasionally someone from the church, and tha't only because they want something. I know I need to go in for a fill/followup but everytime I pick up the phone to make appointment I chicken out. I'm lonesome. All I do is sit. And the more I sit the more I hurt when I finally do get up and move. My knees kill me. I have trouble breathing. I sweat like a ***** in church. My back kills me. I used to have pain medication (Lortab), but my husband took it all because he was saving his Percocet for his "bad" days ( has Fibromyalgia and Diabetic neuropathy). I would run away but I have no income. I have my social security but that is not enough to pay health insurance and living expenses. I would also feel guilty that someone else would have to contend with husband. I resent everything around here. I hate to cook. All he wants is meat and potatoes. He feels he must eat three to four times a day and feels that I need to eat with him, at least twice a day. Oh god! I am rambling so. Maybe saying it here will help me. Maybe tomorrow I wil wake up and it will be a little better. I didn't even talk about son losing his job in September and us giving him money to hel with his bills. Or daughter being "in love" and going to sell her house and move across the state to move in with him. At least son found a job, but they must move to another state. so they are going to be 8 hours away instead of 3 1/2. Like I said, maybe tomorrow will be better.