Well really as the title says where do I start? Its been almost 10 months since my surgery - and I've got to say - time has flown by - and though progress has been slow... its still progress...

I've also learned a lot since last March... about the band, about me and about the relationships I have.. who would have thought that getting the band could impact ALL aspects of my life? I mean yes - we've all read about how the band impacts not only our health - physical and mental -but it impacts our relationships - to food, to people, to clothes, to ourselves..

I suppose I've been naive to the whole thing.. and haven't really taken a hard look at myself (lets face it - looking at myself was NOT something I wanted to do) but hey it has to be done eventually right?! Now don't mind me if I start to ramble here.. but wait.. its my blog right? ha ha... kidding.. but seriously...

See.. it was in 2008 - that I started this journey... when the Lap Band was merely a 'fantasy' for me... I was at my highest weight - 495lb... and wearing a 30-32W pants size... I knew I was fat... I had known that all my life.. being the 'big girl' was nothing new.. but this was different... I was having trouble with my health, with even doing the easiest of things... getting out of bed in the morning, or shopping? Yeah.. lets say even Lane Bryant no longer 'fit' me right.. but it was one week before my birthday in 2008 that I had the scare of my life...

I hadn't been feeling well at all - but I had ignored it.. afterall I was such the 'non-compliant' patient... I was a diabetic - who didn't take the prescribed meds, nor did I check my blood sugars - and eating right? YEAH RIGHT... anywho - one morning I was in severe pain, weak, and vomiting... my neices were the ones that convinced me to go to the hospital.. and from the Emergency Room I was admitted directing into the hospital.. where I stayed for two and a half weeks... the diagnosis? Early Renal Failure... really? Me? I wasn't even 30 years old yet.. I didn't understand it.. and that's when the Doc came in and 'yelled' at me... letting me know that my kidneys were shutting down... due to uncontrolled diabetes.. he yelled at me about my weight... he yelled about me not caring about my life... This was so very far from the truth... because I did care... didn't I?

After spending those two weeks in the hospital - being completely furious with my Doctor - i realized he was right - this was the first time in my life that my health kept me from work.. I realized that he was right - dialysis was a certainity if I didn't make changes... So it was then - when I was released from the hospital that I decided that I needed a change... When I walked out of that hospital - I was taking approximately 15 pills a day and 2 shots of insulin a day... I weighed 495lbs, had high blood pressure and my A1C was a 13..so my daily blood sugar on average was over 330...

Flash-Forward....Its 2011 - and here I am... I am now 130lbs lighter - give or take... and still - I don't see a HUGE difference... is that wierd? but what I do notice is those 2 shots and 15 pills a day I was taking? Nope.. no more... only pill I was taking was a multi vitamin... THAT was success enough for me... but I was still considered Morbidly Obese... and there were some family issues that came up... that woke me up.. my weight was a contributing factor to increased risks for the Cancer that was affecting so many in my family... I HAD to do something more... Diabetes and high blood pressue were not the only enemies I had to fight...

As 'luck' would have it - the company I work for changed insurance plans - and it was then - during a benefits meeting I realized that the Lap Band Dream - was now an option.. REALLY? So there I went... I met with Dr. Simpson for the first time in October of 2011.. after our first consultationn - it was a go - now the only issue was to get approved by insurance... and from what I heard - getting approved was to be a 'bear' to deal with... and it was.. no lie.. they wanted EVERYTHING... letters from my primary care provider, 5+ years of medical records, proof that I indeed had co-morbidities... Of course at first glance these requirements looked daunting... but in reality - it wasn't at all - for I met all those requirements - EASILY.. which in this sense.. was quite sad....

The letter my primary care provider wrote? That in itself was an eye opener... She had gone back - way back in my medical records - and found that at age 12 I was diagnosed as Obese... really?! What happened? and then she tracked from that point all those other little issues that came up.. Asthma, Chronic Lower Back Pain... and then at age 15? Diagnosed with High Blood Pressure?! and then at 23 years of age diagnosed with Diabetes? I had ignored all this... This letter had proved to be yet another eye-opener - one that reminded me that yes - I had made progress - but I could indeed become a better version of myself... a healthier version.

So in less than a week after submitting all the needed information to the insurance company - that's right - I got the call.. APPROVED... So after much trial and error in scheduling - I finally had my surgery on March 20th, 2012...

So now? That we're in the present day? Its been 10 months since my surgery... and since the surgery - I've lost just over 50lbs... see what I mean? SLOW going... but its going right? But somehow I feel like I should have made more progress.... Dr. Simpson always reminds me that this "is not a race, its a marathon".. REALLY? Ugh.. I have no patience... but he's right.. it took me a good while to gain the weight - so its going to take me time to lose it as well..

My struggles of late has been to realize that success can not be measured by the numbers on the scale.. (however lets be honest kids... it matters...) Shopping has been fun.. I mean for the first time in my life - I can fit into 1X and 2X tops - and the cool thing is I've finally made it into a size 20W pants... really? YAY me.. but even with all those little successes.. why am I finding myself not so happy with everything? Why am I finding myself less confident than when I was 495lbs, why am I finding that my relationships aren't as stable as I thought? Is it me or them? Who is the insecure one? Why is it that when I look in the mirror - I don't see the new me - but I see the old Bea... the 495lb one... why is it that when I shop - I still attempt to dress myself in the shrouds of clothing I was so used to... why is it that wearing clothes that actually fit... is uncomfortable and unsettling for me... and what about the changes to my body? the flabby skin? Yes.. I was well aware of the 'side effects' of the surgery - but I want my old body back somedays... at least it was full and somewhat firm... but now? this flabbiness? especially the arm flab.. baah... or lets talk a little about the undue attention I receive now.. THAT's different... however... I'm the same person I was when I was 495 lbs... why all of sudden are they paying attention now? so now - I wonder who's really interested in the me... the real me - the me inside... because somedays it seems that my appearance is all that matters to 'them'...

But really ... why am I complaining? This is what I wanted right? and I have to take the good with the bad... so for now? I just take a day at a time... And I think I've caught you up... so until another day my new friends.. take care, be good to yourself and to others... and remember... "A Day Without Laughter is a Day Wasted"...

Just me -

Bea