Four years ago I was recommended for gastric bypass surgery by the neurologist who reviewed my sleep study results as part of a full physical I was having. I will never forget how stunned I was to be told I needed this surgery and how poor my chances were if I didn't have this. I was stunned because I thought only extremely fat people had this done. I always saw myself as a large boned, well proportioned but generously built woman. Not what anyone would consider morbidly obese. Morbid is such a dreadful adjective, don't you think? Obese is bad enough, but morbidly so? With a BMI over 43, I see now I was in denial.

Most of my life, I've heard I don't look my age and I sure don't look like I weigh as much as I do. I've been over 200 pounds since my mid 20s. There was a point in my 30s I was able to lose down to 180, but my beloved husband did not like the self confidence I was attaining.. bitchiness is what he called it at the time. By the time I was 37, I managed to lose 185 pounds... of husband.(It was my choice, not his). Within a year I met the man of every woman's dream and not only loved him, but I was deeply and unconditionally loved by him. We were together nearly 10 years before he was taken from me by colon cancer. It was the best 10 years of my life. My weight shot up to 283 during those final months with him in 1997.

The past 15 years, my weight has stayed between 250 and 275. I've gone through a lot of trauma, I don't wish to discuss right now, but I do believe the low points caused some physical changes to my body's functioning. I'd always been able to lose weight by eating healthy and plenty of exercise. Then I began to notice changes... belly fat, flabby arms, a loss of strength in my muscles, Type II diabetes was diagnosed and I went on a very structured eating plan plus decided to move away from the big city toward a small town peaceful life style near my grandchildren. I did alright for the first year, then accepted a job offer that promised a good paycheck in return for my management expertise. Ha! The joke was on me. I inherited a dysfunctional staff in an office that was so far behind in work and meeting statutory requirements, as well as my own personal micromanaging, boss who had run the previous four predecessors of mine off due to his mean spirited ways. Within months I went from controlled diabetes and steady weight loss to having all my labs go off the charts. The stress has been relentless until this past year with the retirement of my old boss and my overhauling of my entire staff to a new, improved group of dedicated professionals who actually enjoy working as a team. Unfortunately, my health has declined into a black hole place, no amount of effort on my part has been able to reverse.

Damage to my low back and knees has pretty much sidelined me this past year. All due to my morbid obesity. I've been dealing with a level of depression turned into hopelessness that has me emotionally more trapped than if I weighed much more than I do now. Last month Dr Oz re ran a show he'd had on gastric bypass effect for reversal of diabetes. I listened. and decided to finally face the reality of my circumstances. I am 60 years old. I've been living as though my life is already over and wasting precious time that can't be brought back. I can either be a victim of my own making or I can do something about this. I spoke to my doctor and got her blessing and encouragement to meet with my surgeon here in Juneau. I am in the waiting process and hopeful I will know something before the end of this month. In the meantime I am being proactive in learning everything I can, practicing how I will need to eat afterward and listening to the wonderful support network on this site.