My intake with my surgeon is Sept 19th. But before I can get my Lap Band I need to stabilize the situation with my spine. I had surgery a few years ago for a badly herniated disc but recently found that I still have a chunk of disc pressing against a nerve and causing problems. It's likely I will need another surgery. But its also likely that the surgery wont help. In order to decide if surgery is a good idea or not, my doctor wanted to try another steroid injection. It will be my 5th. So far none of them has helped. But this new surgeon isn't comfortable proceeding until he demonstrates that non surgical approaches have failed. I feel like I'm humoring him, or humoring the insurance company. My hopes were not high.

So yesterday was the day for that. I worked in the morning and then went to the hospital in the afternoon. My doctor needed to use anesthesia to place the injection correctly in my spine. So yesterday was a big stressful day of going through the OR suite intake, getting an IV, waiting and waiting and waiting, being wheeled into the OR, waking up in recovery feeling like hell. You know the drill.

I woke up from that procedure and looked around at the other people in recovery for orthopedic procedures. I was the youngest person in the room by a good 15 years. My oxygen was pronging me in the nose, my paper gown was ripped and soaked, my surgical bonnet was slipping down my forehead. All my wires and tubes made me feel like I was tied up in knots. I had to go to the bathroom, but wasn't even sure I could stand. I was simultaneously grateful that my ex had accompanied me and resentful that I had no one else to rely on. Tears filled up my eyes. "This was not supposed to be my life".

Now, normally I am a gratitude girl and in a moment like this I would start acknowledging everything I had to be thankful for: Other people are dealing with cancer after all, I have a (hopefully) solvable medical problem, I have insurance to pay for it, I have people to support me, I have 2 kids who love me... But yesterday none of that worked. All I could think was that tons of people my age have never had surgery while I have had general anesthesia 10 times in the past 7 years. Between a complicated pregnancy that left a trail of wreckage in its wake and a back surgery gone awry, I have seen the inside of an OR more times than most have to in a lifetime.

I'm a doctor myself, so I can't engage in too much doctor bashing. But I have had really bad luck with surgeries. My body literally exploded giving birth to my daughter. After 2 bladder repairs with that mesh that you keep seeing in the malpractice late night ads, I'm still not right. The back surgery was a beast and never relieved my pain. And here I was on a glorious last day of summer smelling antiseptic and wondering what if anything I might do to rejoin the ranks of the living and stop being such a PATIENT.

Hopefully that something will be my lapband surgery. Although my 50 lb weight loss may not be big enough to justify the procedure to my insurance, I'm really hopeful that it will help my back, help my incontinence, relieve my pain, help me be a better parent, and help me stop feeling like a professional patient. But yesterday none of that helped. I guess it was a day for crying. All night I tossed and turned. I watched TV. I turned off the TV. I turned on the TV again. I cried some more. Finally at 6AM I got up and walked my dog. As I put on her leash I waited to see if that terrible stabbing back pain wouyld be there when I bent down. Yup. Still there. As always, these injections in the spine don't do much. But at least I have a plan.

It's me vs that 50 lbs. You've gotta have hope. Maybe what I can do for myself will be better than what my doctors have been able to do for me.

Thanks for sharing my crappy tearful day. Onward...