I remember as a kid lying in my back on a towel by the pool in a bikini. Reeking of coconut, my skin slathered with hawaiian tropic no SPF orange tinted oil, I noticed that if I looked down my body (past my flat chest and past my flat belly) that my hip bones held my swimsuit away from my body affording a view all the way down. At age 9, this seemed like a problem. I remember sticking out my belly and pulling a towel across me. That's a problem I wouldn't mind having right now.

There are nights when I stay up til all hours reading posts on Lap Band Talk and feeling so afraid that I will be the one who has a slip, who needs another surgery, who cheats my band and fails to lose weight. I know that many people who get this surgery dont get to goal. I have been to support groups where people talk about hating eating because they cant keep anything down no matter what their fill. I have seen people who are years and years out who just can't lose and I can't imagine why I should be so lucky as to not wind up in their shoes. I guess the idea of being slim is inconceivable to me after all these years. I haven't been lean since I was about 10 and I took it so for granted I forgot to take note of what it felt like to walk around in your underpants without a shred of cellulite or a shred of self consciousness.

But I have made a decision to move forward with this surgery despite my considerable fears and I need to keep my eye on the prize. Most of those people at the support group meetings, even the ones who can't keep anything down, still say they don't regret having had the surgery for a minute. So I have made a list of 10 things I'm hoping for once I get the band, and I'm happy to say none of them include anything about protruding hip bones, though I wouldn't mind seeing mine again:

1)I have had surgery to remove a herniated disc but still have a lot of back pain. I want my back pain to improve.

2)I want to be able to bend and pick up my 2 year old, carry her, change her, dress her, clean up after her with ease. ( who's kidding who, its never easy to pick up after a year old, but I'd settle for easier)

3)I want to have more endurance when walking and carrying things without back pain so I can go places, set up a tent, carry my bags, walk for miles etc ( I am 45 after all and although I have a herniated disc I hear that losing weight will really help). I want to plan a trip and not be afraid I'll spend most of it resting my aching back.

4)OK, time to bring on the vanity points, I want to shop at Desigual, and Lucky and wear clothes that reflect my personal style. I know, its totally petty, but hey...

5)I want to be able to strip off the clothes I am wearing from Desigual and Lucky and feel good about myself naked

6)I want to know that, although I may and likely will embarrass my daughters for hundreds of reasons, being overweight wont be one of them.

7)I want to lay in bed at night and breathe easily not just because my weight is no longer pressing on my throat but also because I dont feel like a time bomb ticking as I gain more and more weight

8)When someone puts their arm around me or asks me to dance, I want to not have to worry if their hand is on chub or not.

9)I want to know that I took charge of my life so that I wouldn't face the inevitable fate of my overweight family. I feel like I've been swept on a raft on the rapids and I want to grab an oar and navigate back to a place where I am in control.

10)I want to wear a skirt and not have to worry about the "chub rub" that us bigger girls get. Man, it has been years since I could wear a dress without bike shorts underneath!

OK, that's a great start. I'm proud of the steps I took today. If I keep putting one foot in front of the other I will get there. Thanks for walking along with me.