So today I called Dr Ren's office and scheduled an intake. YIKES! Considering it's $250 for the nutritionist and $475 to see her this is a big step! I am self pay and recently separated and the $20K I need is pretty much all I have. But I think its actually a very positive step to be really putting myself first. It feels very self indulgent, but in a good way. Its been a long time since Mommy really looked out for #1.

CHEW CHEW CHEW

So since we are sharing, here's my new weird pre- band surgery behavior: When I sit down to eat, I try to eat like a bandster. I realize that if we COULD eat like a bandster, we wouldnt have to get banded, right? But still, I want to see what its like to take tiny bites and chew chew chew and to not be able to drink fluids when I eat, or eat bread, or eat dry tough things. The first thing I notice is that once I am banded I am going to have to eat alone for a while. Why? I am very social and I talk all the time and I realize when I am out with other people there is no way I can chew the way I'm going to need to chew and maintain any semblance of a conversation. It seems like learning to eat with this band is going to be a huge learning curve. Does it ever become second nature I wonder?

TELLING OTHER PEOPLE

So far I have told 5 people I am planning to be banded. My ex is supportive and thinks it will give me added health and help my back problems. My parents are both quite overweight and have considered the band but are unwilling to make the dietary sacrifices the band would necessitate. They really like food, as do I, and the prospect of only being able to eat a half cup of food is, even for me, a bit impossible to consider. My dad pointed out that if one is determined one can actually lose a lot of weight. He recently had hip replacement surgery and lost 50 lbs beforehand in an attempt to decrease his surgical risk. I was really proud of him. I have never lost 50 lbs dieting, but somehow I know that if I did, I would likely be no different than the 99% of people who do so and then gain it back again. My parents are supportive, but I think it makes them sad that, as they say, I have to do something "so extreme" to lose weight. Nonetheless they are contributing some cash to the mix and I know they are in my corner no matter what. My brother is skinny and a marathon runner and has more discipline than anyone I know. He suggested that before I try surgery maybe I should make a chart of my weight and the date and put it on my wall so that when I gain a few pounds I can get on it right away. Oh if only... Finally I told one of my girlfriends. But I told her in a text. She had absolutely no reply. Which is in and of itself a reply. She has recently lost 20 lbs taking some kind of hormone drops in grain alcohol and eating 800 calories a day. I tried it, but man, THAT didn't agree with me. For now, I don't want to waver in my decision and I don't want to have to defend my choice so I'm not telling anyone else.

WHAT TO TELL MY DAUGHTER

I do realize though that I have to say something to my 7 year old daughter who will ask a million questions and want to know all the details. There's no way I am going to be able to chew and change my eating habits without her noticing and asking a million questions, so even if I am evasive about what the surgery was for (Mommy has had quite a bit of surgery so she's used to that) she's still going to have questions. Have any of you shared with your kids that you got banded? How did you share?

In general, I have always felt that when we share our struggles, whether about addictions or life challenges, with our kids, they have the chance to watch an adult overcome. They know that not everything comes easy. They know that you can fail and fail and fail and finally overcome. They know that sometimes you have to ask for help. For these reasons I am inclined to be honest with her. But I also feel that to lose a non-surgical struggle with weight is a lot for a 7 year old girl to process. I dont want her to get neurotic about food because she is afraid she too may have to have an operation. (Incidentally she is actually underweight because she is a very very picky eater, but she is nonetheless at that impressionable age when girls start to take note of messages about weight and size and appearances, and I want her to incorporate a healthy message. If she walked away thinking that being overweight is such a terrible thing that you have to have a painful operation, I will have failed as a mom. I have always tried to instill in her the idea that no matter what our size or appearance we all deserve love and respect. I have tried to teach her to love herself whether she is a size 2 or a size 20. Is my surgery giving her a mixed message?

I appreciate any thoughts you might have.