So if I could write a letter to myself, and have it make a difference, what would it say? Ive got this "tool" inside me, yet I know that Im not using it right. When I went into surgery I weight 269lbs. What do I weigh now, a year and a half later? 271.5. I feel like an utter failure most days. How and why do I come up with so many excuses as to why this doesnt work? I dont have time to exercise, Im too poor to buy healthy food, the weight stays on because Im stressed, blah blah blah. I always say that Im going to do better tomorrow, but tomorrow never seems to come. I'd like to know what the heck Im thinking!

I go in for an adjustment on Wednesday. Adjustments are usually fills, but in my case it's not. Im trying to come to terms with the fact that I'm just too tight, but it scares me. I guess having them take the fluid out makes me feel like I have to admit that I'm a failure. I mean, you fill so you can hit that sweet spot, but I never hit it and my band is pretty close to being full. Are they going to judge me because I havent been in to see them in about a year, and I havent lost any weight? These are the types of things that bother me. Part of me wants to go in there, tell them to take it all out, and we will slowly add it back in until I get "the spot". However, another part of me feels pissed that Ive had this thing in for over a year, and it's been nothing. Ive lost more weight BEFORE the surgery than I have after placement. I read the statistics. They say most patients lose 100lbs in the first year on average. Way to go me for breaking the norm. I guess I just need to get the whiney out of my system, and start over. No more excuses. More accountability. More me time. Yeah, that sounds good. Lets see if it happens.