So, I'm not sure why I think that what I have to share and what I have to say is interesting enough for other people to read. However, I have a lot of thoughts and ideas zapping and snapping in my brain. Things I want to write down. Things I want to share. Things I want to write into a story or comedy skit. Things that make me go "hmmm...". Things that make me go "Doh!". Things that make me cry. But more importantly, things that make me laugh. And, I'm all about that.

What else am I all about?

I'm a 36 year old single woman. I was banded just over 3 years ago. I had a weight problem most of my life. I was always the funny fat girl, with the pretty face. I was dreamy and awkward in high school, wasting all of my young adult angst over an overly religious boy that I'm pretty sure turned out to be gay. College was a good time. Went to a tiny liberal arts college and then graduate school in the mid-west, where I met some of my closest friends.

I grew even heavier after I graduated. I remember the scale tipping over 300lbs. Wow. NFL football players don't weigh that much! It was a pretty heavy (really!) time for me. I was 1,000 miles from home. My step dad was dying of cancer. It was a really sad time. And, fried cheese sticks and Taco Bell value meals served as my prime source of nutrition. I remember, it was the year the new Star Wars trilogy was coming out. Taco Bell had a $2.00 kids meal that came with nachos, a taco, a drink and a toy. Let's just say, I had the whole collection.

Fast forward about 7 or 8 years, I was miserable. I was 32. I was 326lbs. I somehow managed to have a boyfriend at that time, though. That's a whole other story. But, he was heavy. I was heavy. In fact, one time we broke the couch in our hotel room. Imagine two line backers getting frisky on a vintage sofa...something is bound to give. ANYWAY...I made a decision in November 2008 to change my life. And, I did. I did change my life. For better and worse. I'm still sorting the rest out.

Band-wise, I managed to lose about 75lbs. Mostly in my first year. Then, issues issues issues! 2nd year in was a roller coaster of tight, too tight, tight, too tight. Raging acid reflux and nausea. I remember spending entire weekends in bed, curled in the fetal position, totally unable to swallow my spit. Then, my band lapsed and included a surprise surgery. That was a year ago. And, here I am. Maintaining...but no weight loss. I am trying to find my place again. I'm trying to find that drive. That energy. That motivation that I need to become who I am on the inside. I'm the oldest, slowest caterpillar you'll ever find. But, I am getting more pretty as I age. Even through my self loathing, I can see that.

My dating life is interesting. And, confusing. I think I'm learning and experiencing things at 36 that most women experience when they are 19 or 21. Talk about a late bloomer.

So, my plan is to use this forum as a channel for me to offload my thoughts. To offload my brilliant ideas. To offload my pain. Or, whatever it is that is holding me down from soaring. Whether you choose to read this or not really won't make much difference, I suppose. It's really just my stream of consciousness. But, a follower or two might add to my accountability.

Here we go! Let's do this. Again.. (yeah, yeah...I know..)

All the best,

Natasha