What a mess things have been for the last few weeks. Even though the time has actually passed quickly, I feel very trapped and alone these days. I have made the decision not to live with my daughter because of some very major religious differences we have developed over the past year, so now I have to worry about getting my stuff out of the storage she hasn't been paying for! Hopefully, I haven't lost everything I've worked my entire adult life to get. Who knows about her. Plus, I'm so sick of being left here by myself to take care of the puppies all the time. Why does Dezz do this to me? I wonder if she even cares about me at all sometimes. She wants to spend all of her time with Donovan, who I think is sooooooooooo bad for her. Plus the fact that I'm sick doesn't help matters at all.

I've been really depressed for the past couple of weeks for some reason. Donny has hurt me deeply and I don't think he even realizes what's he's doing. He has started chasing this 35 year old waitress and buying her gifts and buying her roses and stuff. It's very obvious he is falling for her and it hurts me, because I still talk to him all the time, but she's all he ever talks about. I think I made a huge mistake when I wrote him that letter. He denied he meant anything he had said to me or Dezz, so I don't know if he's in denial about his feelings for me, or if he just doesn't give a shit about how I feel at all. He seems to get pleasure from hurting my feelings, which really really bothers me. I don't know if I should just stop talking to him or what to do. I called Donna, his sister I've been friends with for years, last night and vented and cried my eyes out on the phone with her for a couple of hours. Sometimes I wish she had never introduced me to him at all! It gets so freaking old being the friend, but never the girl friend. Sometimes I ask God what I ever did to deserve this. I feel like a prisoner in my own body and I can't get out and let anyone know the real me anymore. I don't know where I've gone, but I am desparate to find myself again. All I seem to be is someone's mom, aunt, daughter, or friend. It's like I don't exist to myself at all. I know it's not a dream because it hurts to bad to be a dream. And on top of that, I haven't heard from Steve, which makes me feel even more stupid to think that someone besides my family could love me or even care about me for that matter.

I've gained back half of the weight I lost this summer and it makes me hate myself even more. I was working so hard and making progress, then bam, it was over. Plus, I'm smoking full-time again and I'm back on my blood pressure medicine. I have to see Dr Rivera Friday and he is going to throw a fit! Why do I continue to do this to myself. Is it that I don't really want to lose the weight, or is that I'm afraid of getting hurt even worse if I do? I guess I need to be in therapy like Dr. Hutson told me this week to figure these things out. I'm just so lost, I don't know how to find myself. I have an appointment to see a psychiatrist in February, but how am I going to survive until then? So many questions and no answers at this point.....

Dr Provost's seminar is Tuesday, so I kinda have a little something to look forward to. I hope I get to meet him and learn more about what I can do to help get the surgery faster. I'm just wondering at this point if the surgery is going to help me with the state of mind I'm in. Hopefully, I will get this whatever it is causing this, under control before I have my surgery.

I am going back to Amarillo next week, but I have no idea why. I'm not in any mental state to try and discuss all of this stuff with Donny right now. It's weird that we went to Amarillo just last weekend and I saw him on Sunday. Now, I feel like he's someone I don't even know. Is it him, or is it me? Dr Hutson said she thought I might be bipolar like Dezz and that might answer some of these questions for me. Hell, I don't know what is going to happen with it, but I know I have got to get control of my life again. I think I'm on the verge of losing it, and that really scares me. I feel like I should be crying out for help, but who would listen to me anyway? I would probably just be told to get over it and go on anyway, so why bother telling anyone about it?

Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day...........

To answer your question...SEEK THE LORD. I have been through some tough things in my life (so far) and nothing surpasses the peace that the Lord can and will give you. I am learning to be still and allow the Lord to order my steps. I am debating now if I should have the surgery and I am approved, that's the bad thing about it. I decided not to have it, but I will pray about tonight. It will get better! Trust me!!

Sheila

Be BLESSED!