Just took a big sigh before starting this blog.

I'm at a loss for words to describe how frustrated i am at myself, the world, the people in the world,

and at my band.

When i first thought of having this surgery i was like 16 and i had images of getting the band and being best friends with it, holding hands and running on the beach-type of images. If i had only known the massive headache I would have with the band, i would have taken more time then 'the 3 month supervised diet' to make an informed decision.

When i had the surgery, i did not even get the band that i wanted. I had researched different brands and sizes, what their results were, their ratings and comments.

Day of surgery my surgeon did not even entertain the notion of a choice.

Now i'm 9 months out, with a constant headache, stomach ache, achy-aches and not a remarkable weight loss. ALL of my doctors (general, specialist, dental, vision, etc) have told me that i need a revision since i have not lost a dime's worth of my weight.

They see it as a joke since i have had no success,

my family sees me as a joke since i have had no success.

I am the butt of most jokes,

the surgery and band have become the butt of all insults

with my sister constantly telling me to have another lap-band surgery

my parents telling me I've taken the easy way out...

And yet I find myself thinking that I'd do it all again.

I have not only lost myself, but also found out more about myself in these last couple of months than I have previously.

I have had many epiphanies and made many goals. Some accomplished, some still categorized as dreams.

I have made friends and lost others.

Found new interests and rid myself of self destructive behaviors.

I have gone both long and far, stayed on this path and gotten lost on this journey to and beyond the magical place we all call BandLand.

I wish in the purest way possible that this journey had taken me on a more direct path to my destination.

That the literal pain and anguish suffered had been worth it, but alas, i could have taken a shortcut around those parts.

Now that I have to consider a revision, its not much of a consideration at all. I Have to do it.

I honestly thought that having the band surgery done was the LAST resort, the one that would save my life from being overweight, unhealthy and unhappy. But that was pure and utter nonsense.

Without the revision i'd be stuck with aches and pains ( of which I am having right now both at the top of my pouch and at the bottom of my stomach), With the ridicule (mostly of myself, mostly) of failure, and Stuck at an unhappy-unmoving part of my life.

I wish things were easier.

But easy has never been all that easy.