I had my surgery on May 15th, 2012.

At 40 years old, I have been fat, well, my whole life. I was put on my first diet at age 4. I can never remember a time when food was not a focal point of my daily life. My thoughts and actions have been consumed by food forever. I have been on every diet known to man. I have always failed. I must say, I went into this surgery kicking and screaming (at least to myself). I was afraid of what life would be not focused on food. I may actually have to think about other things.

However, I realize for my health and longevity that the surgery would be the best thing for me. I have a husband and 2 children that have paid the price for my food addiction. It was time for me to think more about them, than myself. I mean, I do love them more than I love myself. Right? What a completely selfish person I am and have been. Of course, I love them more than anything in this world. It's just up until May 15th, food always won out over everything in my life.

I was willing to prove to them and me that I cared enough about them to risk my life to have this surgery. A bit melodramatic, maybe. But if you knew my history (died during childbirth), then you would know why I am so fearful of surgeries. I had prayed and been prayed over and was at complete peace with this decision. I knew God was in control.

I am happy to say that I came through the surgery very well. In fact, it was much less painful than I thought it would be. The only bad thing that happened was the nausea right after the surgery. After that was under control, it really wasn't that bad. My wonderful, loving husband was with me for 2 days and my wonderful, loving mother was with me the next 2 days. Everything was going so great the first week. I was dropping weight every day. My blood sugar went to normal almost straight away. I literally have quit taking my actos plus metformin 2 days after surgery. The highest my blood sugar has been is 137. But mostly around 100. Sometimes below. I can't believe this.

That is until, day 8 when I could go to soft food. I gained 5 lbs in one day. Granted, I went from having 400 calories a day to almost 1000 calories.. but 5 lbs?? for 1000 calories??? I cried all day. You see, my greatest fear, is that I will have spent so much money on this.. and I fail, yet again. Never mind that I had walked 1 mile that day and the day after. I still gained.

On top of that, I was nauseated and had a headache with jaw pain. It has taken me almost a whole week to recover from that day. I have just now lost 3lbs of the 5lbs I gained, so I am still up.

I discovered something else, my jaw pain and headaches are being caused by my teeth grinding at night. Something, that I have never in my life done, until this surgery. I bought a night guard for my teeth last night. Still in pain today, but hoping it is relieved soon.

I have been in a depression since then, I guess. It is amazing how things can turn on a dime. I had such high hopes for this to work out. I am just trying to remind myself God is in control. Not me. My blood sugar is normal. So, there are positive things that are happening. My husband says he can tell I have lost more weight than what the scale is saying. I suppose I will find out when I go back to the doctor on June 6th.

Until then...