I think im letting things just get to me. I am siting here just thinking about things and you know maybe i have changed allot in the past eight months. That would be from August till now April. See i started out this journey that in my mind i wanted to be skinny and i wanted to be beautiful and i wanted my husband to be happy to be with me lol little did i realize that he already was but any ways. Now here i am and i am about 90lbs lighter then when i started and i have to think am i changing or are the people around me changing because i have changed? I hope that makes since but if not well im about to explain what i mean and hopefully someone can say that im not the only one that feels this way.

OK lets talk about before what i like to call the before me and lets start with when i was over weight because that's where i want to start from. Any ways so before guys didn't look at me unless they knew me well yes i understand that you start to loose weight you start to look better to others and that is just the american way i guess. But sometimes i think maybe my fat was my cover like it was my wall between people talking to me and not talking to me. Even though now i do talk allot more and i go out a whole lot more i find that i am hit on a whole lot more and im not saying that to sound like im full of myself im not i just find that i don't like it and sometimes find myself wishing that i still had my cover. For example i have never really been comfortable with men other then my husband. I had a bad relationship and he was possessive and controlling and cruel. So i know that's why i don't like the attention of other men but i was working for a lady with a husband that was a total creep. He would wait until she left the room and start saying very inappropriate things about my body. He would tell me that my boobs looked hot stuff like that and i found myself finding ways that i could eat more and i gained two pounds from my last Dr visit and they asked me are you stressed right now because this isn't like you. well HELL yeah i was stressed who wouldn't be?? So i changed jobs and while i would like to think im doing OK im not to sure that i am. Well not really with my weight loss because i think im doing really good now i lost the two pounds and i have lost about ten more but what i mean is, is that i don't know if im doing OK mentally. I know that people go through a depression but i don't think that is what this is its just like every thing that i am doing is wrong or that my friends that i have made are wrong for me or they don't really want to be my friend. Ok what i mean is i had to start telling people that i had lap band surgery because I herd this women's daughter who has been to my house and was my daughter friend talk about me to her mother at a basketball game this year and she told her mother in not such a loud voice that i was doing drugs and that's why i was loosing so much weight and in my defense i wasn't sleeping much so yes i did have dark circles under my eyes but i don't do drugs. But i thought well she cant believe that right? Later her son came over to sit and talk to my son who is nine and she came and got her son and told him that he wasn't allowed to be around me because i am a bad person and i do bad things. OUCH! That was like a shot right to the heart when my son asked me mommy what is it that your doing that is so bad? I said nothing Ryan people just like to make things up to hurt others im healthy and i don't do bad things because i love y'all to much. And yes i ment every word of that after that game i didnt see much of the women. But now its baseball season and she made it so that her son would play baseball on the same team as my son. But there wasnt enough players so they are now on the same team and the gossip just will not stop its like they have nothing better to do. And after basketball i did start telling everyone that would listen that i had lap band surgery because i didnt want to be labled a drug addict. I mean i have worked so hard to be where i am right now and this is the kinda crap that happens. My husband told me it was my own fault because i didnt tell anyone about my lap band when i had it but i didnt want people that think that i had taken the easy way out that i had failed but now i dont really care i tell everyone that will listen! The only problem is, is that some wont listen. Ok i have said the before im sure but I live in a very small town in texas and there is always some kinda drama going on with someone and for the most part i stay out of it. Here is my other problem I grew up in this small town and my dad is the kinda guy that everyone knows and everyone loves he is the only dentist in this town and sometimes that makes life a little harder for me. People think well he is such a good guy and his wife is so wonderful well there must be something wrong with his daughter and my whole life people have thought that i was the bad child when actually its my sister and brother that are the bad kids but they are way older then me so this little town doesn't know them and all they know is me. I have never been in trouble but its like they are always waiting for it. And this lap band gives them the perfect chance. And rather i like it or not this really bothers me even though the mother that is telling her child to stay way from me and everyone in the town that im on crack, has black teeth and missing teeth and used to pound her kids off on my husband and i for the weekend every weekend so that they could go party well Idk maybe ill just start to let people think what they want to think because no matter what i do it wont change the fact that i cant change what i what people to see. Then there is my lap band friend who is my sons baseball coach who seems to like everyone but when she talks to my husband she has **** to say about everyone one. So i have to kinda ask myself is she talking **** about me when im not there? Or is she talking **** about my husband when he isn't around.

And its not just that its like friends that i have had forever just seem to be Facebook friends now. And if they come into town they don't call they don't text when they used to. I haven't really change on the inside that much just the outside but its like most of my friends are mad at me. I am a pretty strong person but i dont know if i can really deal with this. Someone has to understand how i am feeling right???!???!???