Hi,

I have decided to make an effort to blog some of my journey to keep me grounded. I have a track record of giving up and I feel so determined today to change. I'm having my gastric band operation on Monday 23rd April. I feel so emotional about everything. I'm a bit of a wreck to be honest. I have allowed my weight to hold me back for so long it's like I'm mourning my lost years. I'm 28 and I have already waited too long to get the band. It's like I kept telling myself that I could do it alone, I'd daydream and imagine but the reality never came true. I loathe my body. I loathe myself to be honest. To the outside world I hide it to a certain extent but what I have noticed over the past year or more is that my weight is actually drowning my personality and has made me quite bitter. I have become quite negative and it pains me to admit that I am this person. i wule love to be happy go lucky and easygoing without over analysing every social situation and feeling paranoid and aware of myself ALL the time. Even with my closest friends and family, when I'm just sitting there, I'm at myself, fixing myself, tugging myself, looking at my stomach, wondering are they looking at it, worrying bout my huge double chin. Conscious of how I'm perceived. I worry that I wil never change and that I'm destined to live a miserable life. I do also realise I sound very dramatic and I know that I have the capability to change.

Chatting with a friend las night I articulated my feelings quite well out of nowhere, I know what I need to change, I can take a step back and look from the outside in as if I was advising a best friend or loved one. I know what needs to be done but actually being in my shoes and having to follow through on a daily basis makes this mammoth task seem impossible. I have serious self doubt. I don't know if I actually possess the will power to follow through with this challenge. I'm good at talking the talk but I need support to help me on my way.

Looking at other people's blogs and video diaries helps- but I can't seem to visualise myself at the other end. I am on day 4 of a liquid diet, not shakes etc, mainly soups, low fat custard, yogurts, sugar free jelly, lots of fluid, and mushy cereal for breakfast. While I have known for some time this 2 week liquid diet would come I am disgusted with myself for having cheated very badly on day 2- there were lots of Easter eggs around the house and I got hold of one. That's the worst part is that everyone around me is still eating very badly. There is huge temptation in the house. My parents are here for another week or so and then I will resume autonomy of what food comes into the house. I had cleared the place out but working abroad and being on leave home means the others are in holiday mode- this very holiday mode is the reason such bad habits exist in my family unit. I am realising more and more that I will need to find my own way in the middle of all this because their habits are not going to change. Take always, convenience food, coca cola, junk, crisps, bread, with the occasional nice healthy meal or fruit smoothie binges- that's been my life and It's so hard to break a lifetime of bad habits.

I hope that at least some of what I say resonates with some of you. I would really appreciate some encouragement and feedback. I do feel like my biggest challenge will be addressing my psychological dependence on food. Hope I haven't gone on too much. Thanks for reading