In advance I will ask your forgiveness as i rant about my life!

I haven't blogged in a while but I have been busy and still consistent to my goal. I started working with a trainer 2 weeks ago to learn to properly exercise and EAT.

Eat you say, I thought that was why you had lapband surgery so you wouldn't eat. Well the answer to that question is both a yes and a no. I had lapband surgery because I had always failed at every weight loss program for 20 years plus. I like many would always lose weight but could never make it for the long haul not did I ever really change my relationship with food and what I put into my body. I have always been in for the instant gratification, quick fix and results category. I think I have tried almost every fad diet on the market and have always made them work for me only to gain back what I lost plus MORE! Does this sound familiar to any of you, I am sure it does and I am sure that many of you have been as frustrated as I have been.

So why is this Lapband Journey going to be any different? What will I do different and how will I transition this into a life style change and will I be successful?

A Journey:The act of traveling from one place to another; a trip. A distance to be traveled or the time required for a trip: a 2,000-mile journey to the Pacific; the three-day journey home. A process or course likened to traveling; a passage: the journey of Life!

Hmmmmm, after reading the above statement I think I need to rethink what I call this Lapband process. A journey may be OK to get from Fat to Thin but then what? I am thinking that, the closer you get to goal the more you need to have made some major changes a long this journey. So now I am refocusing my thoughts and think I will call this Lapband a "Life Style Change". If I really want to commit to this weight loss I have to change my way of thinking, my band has been my safety net under this high wire act, that I have been using to prevent my self from falling off. It has worked, I have been successful but I am getting close to my goal, a number I set that I wanted to achieve and would consider my success. Wow this is really scary, can I do this? Can I really be successful? Can I really maintain this new me and how do I do it? So, to remain focused I really have to get my mind heading down the right path, I need reprogramming. I need to really understand my body and how food is used as fuel. Some days it all seems so over whelming and you almost feel OCD. You critique every morsel you allow to go between your lips, you constantly tell yourself, no don't eat that, no you can't have that. Now how many calories are in that and how much protein have I eaten and oh my god have I eaten to many carbs or what the hell do I do if I really am hungry. Sound familiar. My brain is constantly in high gear, constantly planning, evaluating and second guessing if I am really eating the right things or if I am just going through the motions. Honestly I do not want to feel deprived for the rest of my life. Some day I want to be able to eat some type of dessert and not feel like I have failed or let my self down. Someday I want to have a healthy relationship with food not a fear that if I eat something it will tip me one way or the other. There has got to be a balance between healthy and happy.

I have went through some months lately as I sat stalled at the same weight day after day and wondered, why? I have obsessed over my food dairy, I have obsessed over my carbs, my fats. I have tried to only eat 3 meals a day and never snack between meals. I have honestly tried to follow every rule that my doctor and the Lapband web site has suggested. But honestly, it's hard, it's not natural, it sometimes sets you up for failure. It makes you resent food, it makes you resent other people who are losing faster than you and it makes you feel like a failure. Honestly following the Lapband rules, is not really eating a well balanced diet.(I will add in my opinion) I have struggled since I had this procedure to incorporate fruits and vegetables in my diet. I rarely eat fiber and my focus has always been protein, protein and more protein. I know, I know, your all saying but you have lost weight, yes but have I always been satisfied with my diet and what I was eating the answer was NO, or hell NO!

So world since this can no longer be just about the journey and more about living a healthy life. I am not committed to making a life style change. How scary is that, and how in the world do I do it. Big question with no simple answers. So I will enlighten you to my plan.

As I stated in my first sentence, I started working out with a trainer two weeks ago. I was very upfront with him, "Justin". I told him about my WLS and how I was suppose to eat with lapband and what I could and could not eat. The first session we had he told me, "You are not eating healthy and you are not eating enough" Well that was a first for me, I have always been told I eat to much. He also told me I was not burning fat, I was burning muscle, due to my poor nutritional habits. Oh great! Now what, I have spent the past 15 months trying to eat healthy only to go to far in the other directions. Geezzz!! I am starving my body of necessary nutrients. Am I ever going to get the hang of this. So here we go again, planning meals, making sure I am taking time to get in my planned healthy snacks, increasing my protein, adding some carbohydrates, more veggies and let's don't forget the fruits. That day last week when I walked out of the gym, I thought to myself, how the hell am I going to do this. I can't eat rice, I can't eat sweet potato's and oatmeal with egg whites, protein drinks and on and on.... Well it is one week later and I am finding if you put your mind to it you can do just about anything. I have stuck to his plan, I have increased my calories back to 1200 plus, I have managed to get from 90-120 gms of protein in every day. I have managed to learn to like Oatmeal with egg whites, I have learned to eat rice again (only a quarter of a cup but it is rice. I have learned to like sweet potato's without butter and brown sugar and managing to get at least one serving of fruit in and some vegetables. Now granted some days I feel like all I get done is prep my meals and I feel like I am always eating but honestly I feel better, have more energy and actually have the strength to exercise and do the weight training he wants to do. I have been able to increase my cardio workouts to 30 minutes daily with a goal of 45.

So bottom line, I am trying to change my lifestyle, I am learning to plan my meals better and make exercise a routine in my life not just something I do to reach a goal. Honestly for me the only difference in LapBand from the old diet is I am forcing myself to live healthy. The band is not causing me to live healthy because honestly the band will allow you to eat all the unhealthy food you want, it is you and only you that can control what and when you put food in your mouth, The band can restrict you, can make you throw up can lead you to an unhealthy life style if you allow it to. You still have to get control over your life, get rid of bad habits and develop new habits. You have to remember that it truly is and will always be only a tool, it will never control or help you decide what you should eat only you can make those decisions and only you will know what you put in your body.

This is much more than a journey, it is my war on food and health, it is me becoming a "New Person". So if I become obsessive about what I eat and how much I exercise so be it because I am in this for the long haul and I will not fail and I will reach goal, maybe not today or tomorrow but it will happen if I continue to change my behaviors.

So fellow bandster, don't give up, take each new challenge as it comes and most and foremost believe in yourself and believe that with hard work, focus, support and love you can make this.........

Lifestyle Change: modifying or eliminating long-held habits of eating or physical activity and maintaining the new habits over months and years!!

We can all do this, because I believe.........................................