the universe works in mysterious ways.....I didn't realise when I logged on yesterday that it was 3 years since lola was readjusted after my assault......

Feels like on my bandaversary that I made an unconscious new start!!!!

Instead of thinking of it being 3 years of hell...which it has been. I am going to call it three years of life lessons.

Well everyone knows that in 2009 I was assaulted, my 7 year old son spent 10 weeks in a mental health ward for suicide attempts (he has multiple disabilities) that my beloved poppy and nanny passed, that I became the head of the family looking after my parents, brother, husband and children.....I never have grieved properly and to this day I am still struggling with the loss...

In the last 2 years we were trying for a baby. since November 2010 I have had 3 miscarriages and my body is just totally stuffed. My last m/c was in Sept last year and I haven't been the same since.

I have decided to try take my life back.....To concentrate on my physical and mental scars and help them heal....I don't even know how I am still standing after those 3 years.......

So my life lessons, going through tragedy doesn't make you stronger...but it teaches you to cope better. I have more empathy for people, more than I ever realised. I have met some beautiful beautiful people on my infertility and baby loss journey, who have touched my heart.

I am now taking time for me. I am not right. I want to sleep all day. I do not want to face the world, I don't want to get up. I feel like I am existing not living.

I cannot work, due to my physical and emotional issues.....I am at home with my 10 year old son, who only attends school 2 hours a day, 4 days a week. I am a carer to him, more than a mum and that is really sad and something everyday I have to come to terms with.

I want to find myself.....I wanna water the seed, fan the ember inside my soul so that I start to care for myself more, so I look after myself and one day will believe that I am just as worthy of this life as much as everyone else.....