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Fears And Empathy

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Twillwood

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I read a post here lately at lap band talk (LBT for all you old-timers...us newbies are still getting used all the lingo) where a someone wrote about having a hard time sharing with their husband that they wanted the band. I have also read here at LBT that there are folks who have kept their band a secret from their spouse.

 

My first reaction is...that's crazy!!! Then I stop and think about it, and I totally get it. Mostly I understand the fear aspect of letting a significant other know you have the lap band. For instance, my husband has been very supportive of me getting banded. He went to the information seminars with me, he sat at the surgery clinic the morning I had surgery, he is even going to my first post-op appointment with me this afternoon. On the one hand, it is really nice to have him so involved. On the other hand, I kinda wish it didn't have to all go down like that. Like, does he think less of me because I couldn't lose the weight and keep it off on my own?

 

It's kinda like you want the person you are in love with to see you in a certain light. It is difficult to let someone see you as vunerable. For me, it is difficult to admit defeat with past diets that have failed. Because being defeated just isn't me!

 

I like to think that my husband sees my decision to have the band as way for me to succeed when it comes to getting healthy.

 

I have a habbit of worrying about hypothetical situations. One game I play quite often is the "what-if" game. This game can be fun when thinking about positive things, but it can be rather depressing when thinking about negative stuff. Anyhoo...so I have a pretty bad scenerio that I play out in my head which involves the whole: what if my husband and I are not together in the future? Well, then I wonder, would he tell his new super-skinny-hot (hypothetical) girlfriend about my lap band? Would my band be something he would talk about as if I was such a failure that I had to get a lap band to lose weight? I worry about that, even if it is just hypothetical. I know I shouldn't make crap up for myself to freak out about...but I do...and I guess that I why I really "get-it" when I read about folks who have kept their band a secret even from their significant others.

 

This tool (the lap band) that I have chosen is an advantage to me. I chose it because I have seen how it works for others and how it can help me to get healthy. I would hate for it to be something that can be used against me. I think that is why I really like Amy's blog http://cheeseandsunkist.blogspot.com/ because she has been so freaken open about her lapband. Maybe she is onto something? Be the first to talk about it, therefore you get YOUR story out there before others make one up for you?

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When I was banded in 2007 I told EVERYONE about it. The longer I had it (and the more I was NOT losing weight) I didn't tell a lot of people bc I was ashamed and I didn't want people to think I was a failure.

My dbf and I have been dating for a year and he doesn't know I have the band. He even brought me for an endoscopy for a possible erosion and still has no clue. It's so funny too because on our first date we went for sushi, and when I get nervous or stressed my band tightens up so I could barely eat one piece of sushi it was horrible, he probably thought I was crazy (well he does that's why he loves me lol)

It's funny because when I was prepping for my endoscopy I told the nurse to not say anything in front of my boyfriend about me having the lap-band and I have to say she was really good about it because as I was coming out of that crazy anesthesia that they give you (MAC I think?) I was saying crazy things, and almost told him I had it the nurse came over and was like "OKAY! I'm going to check your blood pressure!" LMAO

I'm so afraid if I tell him now, he'll question what else I've been holding back, and honestly it's nothing. I tell him everything. He's really supportive of me going to the gym and doesn't really notice how little I eat. He's also a bigger guy and I don't want him to think if when I lose all the weight that I'm going to leave him for someone hotter or whatever. I wouldn't do that, I've invested too much into this relationship.

Anyway, I'm rambling but I had to put my two cents in. PS I LOVE Amy's blog too! She is amazing!

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Those are definitely valid fears given that it has been going on for some time now. I think though, if you are thinking long term with this guy you need to tell him. I was an average weight person, I was even in the army, then after kids I gained a ton of weight due to diabetes and never lost it. I kept gaining and eventually ended up at 263 pounds, from the 145 when he first me me. Now I have lost almost all of it and my husband has found it (lol). He is proud of me and is always telling me how good I look, but he also has fears now that he didn't while I was fat. When we go out he says he notices guys looking at me, I guess because I didn't have anyone really looking at me for so many years I honestly don't notice most of the time. He has also said that he is afraid someone will take me away from him or that I will leave him because he has gained so much weight. I just smile and say, you didn't leave me then, why would I leave you now. We have been married 30 years this July. You don't have to tell everyone you meet but those you are close to, I would encourage you to tell.

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Well, last night I finally called one of my best friends in the world (she lives in Nevada and I live in Arkansas) and told her that I got the lap band. She was soooooo awesome about it. I don't even know why I was nervous about telling her. Especially when she and I have been diet buddies before. When she lived here in Arkansas she and I did all kinds of diets together (not to mention all the exercise we did). We even got diet pills together...oooh...those were dark times. At first it was rather innocent. We found a Dr. here in town that has basically built his practice around prescribing diet pills. But then we wanted more...so we used an online pharmacy...sweet cheese and rice...I am so glad what we got in the mail actually turned out to be the real deal. Anyhoo, we basically starved ourselves down to nothing. But of course it all came back with a VENGEANCE.

@shues138: I totally understand your reasons for not telling your boyfriend. I think I would be the same way. Like, in my past when I was wasn't married and dating...I didn't tell everyone that I dated that I had a boob job. Not mention mine turned out looking quite authentic...so why should I announce it? However, like garfield461 said, at some point as your relationship moves forward you might have to tell him...hmmm...or do you? This is just one of those things that I really think each person needs to decide for themselves :)

((HUGS)))

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