I feel lost. Just lost.

My hubby is doing much better now. He is going thru physical therapy to try to get him moving his limbs and eventually he will walk. He can talk, but his voice sounds strained and hoarse. He still is on a feeding tube. he has to pass a swallow test, but keeps failing. They will try again in two weeks. His liver is still troubling and he is on dialysis cause his kidneys stopped working. He is out of the ICU now and in a regular room, but our son still cannot visit on that wing. Hopefully one day he will be strong enough to be put in a wheel chair so he can go down to the family waiting area to see our son there.

In other news, my niece that was watching my son decided to move with her boyfriend and get a daytime job. I ddidnt wish her any ill will. I just spent one stressful week calling and visiting places. I was paying my niece, but regular child care is super expensive. Especially when I am paying all the bills and struggling. I finally found a place and a lady that will work with my budget. However this also means that I can only see my husband on the weekends now. Before my niece had a night time job and I would wait till she got off, put my son to bed and go up there to visit at night for a little.

Everyting seems to go wrong all at once. I spent the days I had off to try to find some financial assistance. I have been so frustrated at the lack of help. I dont want anyone to tell me that help is easy to find. It's not. You have to be practially destitute to get help, with everything about to be shut off. Shouldnt organizations try to help before your credit is ruined, you are about to be evicted and your heat shut off?? Then there is the fact that for most places I make too much money. I've tried to move out of our townhouse and into a smaller place, but our Apartments wont work with me. $500 transfer fee plus a deposit and first months rent for me to move to a smaller place. if I could pay that I wouldnt be asking to move in the first place. I tried to get child care subsidy but there is a 3 months waiting period!! I did find a food pantry to help and got some food. Thank god for the lapband! I just use the food to feed my son.

I feel so lonely. Sometimes I just cry alone. I miss my niece being there. I only look forward to going to work so I can talk to adults. I talk mostly to my cat and my son. My best friend calls or texts but she is young and busy. Most people pity me or say they will pray for me, but not any real help. I miss my husband so much. I just want one day off. One day where I dont have to stand outside in the cold in front of some so called Christian Charity and have them turn me down. Or where I dont have to spend all day at work applying for help that never comes. I'm depressed. I'm broke and my heart is hurting.

In positive news my wieght loss continues. I'm at 250 now. I lost on the average of 8-10lbs a month!! I havent been able to work out in over a week cause of my schedule now. I'll try to do something maybe afterwork, but I have the baby and its cold. Maybe get some tapes or something when income tax time comes thru.