so...this is my very first blog, ever ! i don't really know what a blog consists of, but i had this terrible urge to create one and write... i guess mainly because i fell off the bandwagon. when i started this journey i was full of hope, dreams and determination. That was 5 months ago. i remember how i keept saying to myself that i had failed at every other diet, excercise promgram and i was not going to fail at this. but here i'am once again admitting that i have failed, that i am a filure! i can say this time its different. Because i am taking responsibility. in the past it was always the ''pill'' i was taking's fault, or the excercise regime was too hard, or i dint have time to exersice. but this time i take full responsability of not losing any weight. if ther is a plus that does make me feel a little good is that i have not gained any weight.

since my surgey in 8/11 i have lost 20lbs. I know thats great, and i felt sooo good, it was empowering to fit back into my closthes and be able to bend down and cross my legs without holding my knee !!! but i know in my ♥ i could have done so much better. I realize as i am typing that there is a deeper reason to why i cant stop eating bread and rice and fried foods and exercise regulary. ( i did undulge in those foods, but not in excess ) I am scared of the road to success, becuase it implies the posibilities of failure and quiting. i face it , its happened evertime. thats why i droped out of every activity in my life. I am scared of not succeceeding so i dont try very hard and i dont give it my all. There i said it !! how liberating. That is the truth, in my mind i keep telling myself "' why try if your going to fail in the end?" why go thru all this trouble if sooner or later your going to go back to your old ways. I am scared of giving my all, every ounce of sweat, strenght and feelings if in the end i will feel like worst of a failure. A failure for giving all that I am and still failing. Vs not giving it all and at the end i can say to myself " well atleast you didnt pour everything into this !", makes the feeling of failing less hurtful.

i dont know if others out there can relate. I can say that today is another day and that I am going to try again, and again. This time i am going to give it more and try to change my mentality that its going to fail. i am going to have a little more faith in me and my abilities to succeed. I am going to be positive for a change. My husband says i am a negative person, i answer by say i am realistic of the posibility or realistic of all that can go wrong. for once in my life i am going to be realistic of all that can go right and of the positives.