It’s 4:10am and I can’t sleep. I had my last cigarette last night at 7:03pm. I sit here at this computer just moments after washing my upper arm with soap and hot water, drying it thoroughly with a towel, and slapping a 21mg nicotine patch on my arm. I’m wanting a cigarette in a really bad way.

Now it’s 4:22am and I’m sitting here with my cup of coffee, still wanting a cigarette. I’m hoping like Hell that this nicotine patch kicks in and brings me sweet relief from craving a cigarette. I let the dog out for her morning pee and stopped abruptly, keenly aware that I wouldn’t be on the back deck, taking a drag on my morning cigarette. Then I went to the front door and looked out the window, hoping not to see frost on the car windows. Damn. SOLID frost – the kind you gotta scrape and scrape even after the car has been turned on and warming up in the driveway for fifteen minutes.

“If there’s no frost,” I told myself, “then that’s a sign that I can dash to the Shell gas station and get a pack of cigarettes.” But the frost is there in a big way, so there’ll be no trip to the Shell station.

But I already knew that before I looked out the window. Head games. That’s what’s going on now.

Damn. Now I feel my chest tightening, like I’m going to start wheezing – like it does when I have an asthma attack. I’m taking deep breaths. I realize what’s going on. I’ve been here before. This scene is all too familiar now. The last time I did this, I lasted four weeks to the day without a cigarette. I used the patch that time, too. The time before that I lasted two years without a cigarette, and I had done it cold turkey that time.

I don’t know how long this time will last, but I know that I’ve gotta try to quit. It’s funny how I said in my opening statement that I had my last cigarette last night. I don’t know if it will be my last. I know that it will be my last one for a while, however. I do know that.

This time will be different. I’m not going to announce to anyone, “I’m an ex-smoker. I quit smoking.” Because, I haven’t. Not yet. I’m not going to say, “I smoked my last cigarette November 21, 2006.” Because I don’t know at this juncture whether that was my last cigarette or not. I’m not going to say that I’ll never smoke again.

This time will be different because I’m not going to say any of those things. What I WILL say is this: “I’m not going to smoke a cigarette right now, but if I want to smoke one, I will.”

That way I haven’t closed my options. That way I will feel that I’m in control. That way I will feel that this is a choice – not an ultimatum. Me and ultimatums don’t do well. Just ask my ex-husband. He’d tell ya’. If someone – anyone – says to me, “You’ve got a choice; it’s either A or B.” Guess what? I’ll do C every time. I’m not takin’ your freakin’ choices. I’ll make my OWN, thank you.

So, if I wanna stop somewhere on the way to work and get a pack of smokes, I will. If I wanna dash out at lunch time and smoke after ripping this patch off of my arm, I will. If I wanna go scrape the car windows for 15 minutes and go to the store right now and get a pack, I will. See…..it’s MY choice.

And that’s what I hafta tell myself just now to get through this first day. It’s 4:46am and I’m still wanting a cigarette, but not as bad as I wanted one when I started typing this. I had my last drag nearly 10 hours ago and that’s pretty damn good for me. I like myself just about now.

Your writting skills are great. Have you ever thought about writing a book or do you jornal a lot. I normally write down just quick thoughts but your journal is so much deeper. I feel like I am there seeing you go through all of this. Do you have someone to call when you want to smoke? I don't know if it would help but you might want to try it. I will call someone to keep my mind off of food sometimes. If I am on the phone I can't go to the snack shop.

You are doing great. Just remember all the reasons you have quit....for this moment.

I completely understand where you're coming from. Today is my 11th day smoke free. It's really hard, and the patch helps. One of the things that i do, is when the craving hits, I picture it as a wave and I ride the wave all the in, until the craving goes away, and it does. When I went cold-turkey and was smoke-free for 3 1/2 years, I approached it the same way "I can have a cigarette anytime, I'm just going to see how long I can go before I have one". Good luck to you, and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers!

Teresita and angelburch.......thanks for your comments. Sorry it's taken me so long to respond to YOUR many comments, Teresita. It took me this long to figure out how to.

I guess I'm responding in the correct place. I dunno. Tell me if I'm not.