Okay, It's December 9. One month to the day when I was scheduled for my Lap Band surgery.

While I didn't lose much weight on the 2 week pre-op diet (only 6 pounds!), it did get much easier. By Day Four I had none of the hunger I'd been feeling on the previous few days and I wasn't cranky. I dealt with those feelings by going to bed early- nice perk to not having kids! I stayed at just around 1000 calories, flew down to South Carolina to shoot a friend's wedding, had no cigarettes (I will fall back into old tendencies when I'm around friends who smoke:() I had no alcohol, and brought all of my shakes and protein bars with me. I even worked out in the hotel gym- I've never done that!! My one transgression was a small slice of wedding cake and I knew I'd be okay being almost to surgery day and knowing how compliant I'd been.

I was so busy in the ten days leading up to surgery I didn't allow myself time to be nervous. I packed my overnight bag, got my paperwork and healthcare proxy together, showered with the special soap and went to bed.

The next morning E (my sig other) drove me to the hospital at 7:30. My surgery was scheduled for 9:30. They got me into the recovery area and gave me a gown to put on and I got on the bed/gurney and they brought me a warm blanket. I forgot about those! The only other time I'd been to the hospital was a few years ago when I had a kidney stone. I got to the ER and they put me in a similar type of room, and that warm blanket was like the comfort of a mom. I was glad they brought me one this time as it was a little chilly, and I'd forgotten how soothing it is!

E was looking very nervous and I reassured him everything would be fine. Cindy, my nurse, put the IV port in my arm and took my blood pressure and did some other things. Even though it was two hours between arrival and surgery time, it all went so quickly. The anesthesiologist came by to introduce himself and explain what he'd be doing, Dr. Schneider (my surgeon) came by to say hello and before I knew it I was about to be whisked away to the OR. Before they took my bag and locked it in a locker for safe keeping, I remembered to put on the lip balm!

They had given me some kind of sedative because I remember being really relaxed as I entered the ER, and there was the anesthesiologist with a mask he put over my mouth and nose and asked me to take a couple of deep breaths. I took the very deepest breaths I could and the last thing I remember is him saying "wow, I don't think I could take a breath that deep!"

Of course, what seemed like seconds later, I was back in recovery with my nurse Cindy. The first thing that came to mind as I was coming to was, "Did they put it in? What happened?" and then being a little freaked out because I couldn't breathe- that would be the breathing tube. I gestured wildly about the tube and they pulled it out, which was quick. It was a little scary waking up with that thing in my throat!

I had a weird feeling. I felt like something had gone wrong. Then again, I'm all messed up on drugs so what do I know? Cindy touched my arm and told me there was a complication and the surgeon would be by to talk to me about it. I asked if they didn't do it and she confirmed they didn't.

I am woozy, confused, and now terribly disappointed and weepy. What the hell happened? (and how did I kind of know it even though I was under anesthesia- weird)

Well...

I flatlined on the operating table. Asystolic. For 30 seconds "give or take", according to Dr. Schneider. Poor E. He got a text from the surgeon about what happened and while they successfully "brought me back", he was still freaked out, sitting in that waiting room. They brought him down and I asked him what happened and he just told me everything would be fine. HE, did not look fine!

Dr.Schneider came soon after that. He sighed, smiled, and said "You gave us a bit of a scare there! But you gave the observing interns a good show!" He explained that they had just started; made the incisions, filling abdomen with CO2, when my heart rate kept dropping....and dropping....until nothing. They gave me Atropine and Dr.Schneider did the chest compressions to get the drug moving through my veins to my heart so it would start working. As I said, he did this for about 30 seconds until my heart began beating again. (Phew, right?!)

At that point they made the decision to not continue with the surgery, even though he said they could have. He decided to err on the side of caution as he did not know why my body did this, and wanted to rule out any cardiovascular abnormalities, etc. and felt that was the safest thing to do. As he explained all this to me it I felt enormously relieved that a.) I was still here! and b.) I had a surgeon who made good decisions. E was on the verge of tears thanking him for the job he did. My hospital is a teaching hospital affiliated with Harvard Medical School, so they had a cardiovascular team including several fellows review the "tape" (your heart rate readout throughout the procedure), the reports and asked me numerous questions about my family history, any heart issues in the past, etc. I have a family history of heart disease, but I know my heart is healthy because I've had lab tests, tests for arrhythmia/murmurs, and an ultrasound of my heart a couple of years ago when I was worried I was having a heart attack (turned out to be GERD) and all tests showed I have a healthy, normal heart.

I was kept in the Recovery Unit for several hours while all this was going on and the more I came to, the more I wish they had moved me to a room; there were people all around me (some I could see because they were across from me as opposed to on the other side of a curtain) being wheeled in and out for surgeries, coming back, waking up and retching into pans....it was a little crazy. Cindy took excellent care of me and gave me sponges on sticks to suck on, then later ice chips. E sat with me until I told him eventually to go home and get some rest and let the dog out. I didn't get taken up to a room until after 6 pm.

They kept a heart monitor on me all night that was hooked up to the nurses' station and was recording. In the morning the team reviewed it and found nothing abnormal. When the surgeon came in to visit me, he asked me a bunch of questions about fainting: Do I faint easily or often? Do I get light-headed and feel like I'm going to faint but don't? When and why have I fainted in the past?

Well, I did have a few episodes this past summer come to think of it. I felt super lightheaded and came really close to passing out. Couldn't put a finger on why, so I kind of just brushed it off. This happened on three different occasions this summer. I also fainted from the kidney stone episode (the pain was brutal and I think I passed out from that), and before that, when I broke my leg/ankle and when I got sun poisoning as a kid.

Their conclusion was that I had what they call a "Vasovagal Response". Huh? Apparently the Vagus Nerve is a major nerve that runs from the brain to the abdomen. Among other functions, it contributes to regulating the heart rate, and can react to a trauma, such as (though I was unaware of it) the pain caused from cutting into my stomach wall. It also may have happened when they tilted the table. My surgeon said I was his first patient to do that, but statistically it happens in about 1 in 300 patients. I don't understand it fully, but they did say I would still be able to have the surgery, and that they would plan for it this time. My understanding is they are going to raise my heart rate before beginning the surgery to compensate for the drop that will likely happen again. It may even drop to zero again (I really hope not), and they've assured me they will be prepared for that and once my heart rate is stable they will follow through with the banding.

It was such a disappointment to be sure. It was also a major inconvenience as I left my contract job to have the surgery, thinking I would be ready to work again at the beginning of December. Now I am not having the surgery until 12/21 and I did not plan on that financially. I had chest bruising from the chest compressions and the three incisions to heal from- all that pain and nausea and no band to show for it! I also will be banded right before the holidays and while this kind of makes me a little depressed that Christmas won't be the same at all (I mean, I'm going to feel pretty crappy and I can't have even one cookie!) But I suppose this is trial by fire: I've always cooked up a storm and ate whatever I've wanted (and drank too much!) during the holidays, and I'm going to have to learn what it means to enjoy traditions without the food element.

The few people I've told about the surgery have been more freaked out than me about what happened. I think they think I'm a little crazy for rescheduling and trying again. But I have to make this decision rationally, not emotionally. I trust my surgeon. He was an ER surgeon for years before becoming a bariatric surgeon, and he's done hundreds of Lap Band surgeries. I live in Boston, where some of the best hospitals in the country are. I've done my due diligence and I'm not turning back now. And you know what? **** happens. I could get hit by a bus tomorrow. With all the information I've been given I know I'm being smart about my decision.

I am still at the weight I was at a week after surgery. I think the fact that I've maintained is pretty good. I could have had a good month of getting in those last suppers! They told me my liver looked great, and since I haven't gained any weight, I am doing the preop diet for only one week this time. I already shrunk my liver so I'll be doing it to get my mind in the game and to lose some motivational pounds.

Am I scared this time around? A little...well, definitely more anxious. I was so calm and collected going in on November 9. I had no idea what could happen back then! But I am determined to be happy, healthy and live up to my potential. I've spent too long being uncomfortable, unhappy and knowing there was a better life out there for me, and have come too close to give up now!