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mourning the loss of a dear friend.......FOOD.

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arnetta

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So I am a little over a week post op and finally in a better frame of mind. I am ashamed to be admitting this but hope that maybe it will help someone else. Please no judgement.

 

*DEEP SIGHS*

 

How could I be 2nd guessing my choice....I mean I worked so hard to make this happen and have researched it for 8 years.......but I did.

 

Right after surgery it all hit me like a ton of bricks ....not in the chest but right in the face. And all I kept asking myself is WHAT HAVE I DONE? This surgery that I kept telling myself was reversable was not as easily reversed as I had made myself believe. The minute I walked through my front door all I could think is "this is NOT what I want" and now it's to late!"

 

And the only reason I could say that it wasn't what I wanted ,Swas because I couldn't quit thinking about all the food that I would never be able to eat again. And not getting to eat any food for a week and then knowing I was only going to be on pureed food for another 3 weeks just made it worse. I WANTED TO EAT......and I wanted to sit on the floor with all my favorite foods and .........CRY. I didn't understand this. I couldn't understand how I had become so attached to food and not even know it.

 

A REALLY GOOD FRIEND of mine, Diane, (God Love her) had mention that sometimes we mourn the loss of food like it was a good friend.....and I read what she wrote but apparently didn't listen before hand because it came as a total shock to me. I mean how could I actually be mourning the fact that I might never get to eat a pizza again and even worse, my favorite, spaghetti. (this is where I want to put the LOL but it's not so funny. I am quite ashamed. I truly found myself crying and crying....I wouldn't admit it when my husband asked me what was wrong....but I honestly knew why I was crying even if I didn't understand it myself. This went on for almost a full week. But I am thankful to say I am in a much better frame of mind.

 

The surgery itself, looking back, was really very easy. It's the emotions that I thought I had a handle on before surgery....and then feeling like I was loosing my mind....that has really been the hard part for me.

 

But yesterday was a good day and today was better. I Sat down to dinner with my family finally tonight. I had a very small bowl of pureed chili and I didn't feel like I lost my best friend. I enjoyed our family time. Tomorrow I hope it's the same.

 

THANK YOU DIANE FOR BEING HERE FOR ME EVEN WHEN I WASN'T. ;)

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Arnetta, You made me cry!!!!!!! I too have thought about the food that I will not be eating but............I have meet a few people in the office when weighting for my turn at the dr. and they all have told me that they eat some of the things that I didn't think I (we) would be able to eat. Pizza just eat the toppings. Spaghetti just needs to be whole wheat pasta. Mine is a hamburger, that is the one that I am going to have the most problem with. I know i can eat it without the bun but it will not be a HAMBURGER without the bun.

I hope everything get's better for you. We did the right thing.

Love and Hugs to my Banded FRIEND!!!!

Kim

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I have to respond to this. I have been feeling the same way. I have cried and wondered why I did this to myself. This has been a little hard..not the surgery but the emotional side. I wanted to eat. This made me also realize my attachement to food. I felt like a little kid pouting. I thought I was the only one going through this but it has been a little difficult. I know my stomach cannot handle it but my mind wants all of it. I associated food with everything. But it is getting better. OH MY goodness, especially during the time of the month I cried and had cravings out of this world. Be encouraged Arnetta, we are in this together. Let's take it one day at a time.:rolleyes:

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I had to do a double take. I could've written this post 7 months ago. I think I cried for the first month after surgery. I felt EXACTLY the same way. I really felt like I lost my best friend. I thought what did I do to myself?Fast forward to 7 months later... I still enjoy food, although in a different way then before. My life has changed so much for the better. I get those "I'm missing out" moments once in a while but it passes quickly.

I'm glad to hear you are feeling better everyday. Hope tomorrow is the best yet. "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels." :D

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Arnetta, so glad to see you back with the living. I was not about to give up on you, you are so worth all the effort. Now that you have had a good cry, dust yourself off, and start living, Each day gets easier and harder at the same time. Every food you eat is an adventure and what goes well today may not go well tomorrow. Take each day as an adventure and blog what your feeling. When the days go great, that is when you tend to stay away from the web site, but remember as I have learned there are others out here struggling and they need to hear when others are doing well as well as bad. It gives us all hope to learn that one us is making it! Maybe we will be next...:rolleyes: Be honest with your husband, God knows I was with mine. I even told him once, "If you are going to continue to snack all the time, I can not be in the room with you!" How could he possibly be hungey we just ate dinner and he ate 10 times more than me. I refused to buy certain foods in the beginning because I did not eat them, starches mainly. Kinda funny now when I think back. But honestly I have to remind myself when fixing dinner, that other people eat more than protein and vegtables. I have a new best friend now, ME and guess what I Love the New Me I am becoming and so will you. Cyber hugs, so glad your feeling better.

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Thank you for your honesty!!!! I am just getting ready to say good by to my old friend. Wait... not friend though! My friend has never told me I am beautiful, it didn't take care of my health, it did not return the financial investment I have made over the years, it has never once said " i'll help you out if you need me".

I know that I will miss our time together, but I look forward to making new "friends" The truth is I gave my old friend my whole life, it took away so much of my life like frenemies do!

Love that you are sharing what is real about this addiction and I look forward to supporting and sharing with you all the new friends we are going to make!

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I just love reading all your blogs. although we have never met i feel so very close to you. Im sure its because everything you write about ive felt or said before. I Can't tell you how many times i have second guessed myself. You are doing great! Keep your head up you are on your way.... Peace & Love<3 2 u!

Heather~

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Okay when I'm done crying I will thank all of you for your wonderful support! and Heather trust me when I tell you the feeling is so mutual.....I never would have thought it to be possible to feel a bond with people you have never met like I have with you ladies!

It's incredible. One day......maybe we should all find a central location and meet up! A nice thought!

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I am 1 week exactly post op and feel the exact way about the never eating the food again. My husband had the lap band 9 years ago and has kept off 100 lbs. and I have seen him eat the foods that I love in very small portions but I am having problems with all the emotions about it. I too asked myself a few days after "What have I done?" I weighed myself yesterday and am 10 lbs down in 1 week. 90 to go and I have to keep telling myself that I will be able to eat again in a few weeks. My emotions are all over the place. I was at a total high this morning feeling great. The discomfort is getting better and better every day and then I have a low low moment.

I'm starting to really realize how food has controlled my life.

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Thank you for sharing this and don't feel ashamed at all, you are not alone. I went through those emotions too, although I didn't cry, I did feel the loss of a bestfriend and felt panicked and sad. I remember feeling scared and worrying about what I was going to do and who I was going to be without my bestfriend, food. But after a week or two of dreaming and fantisizing about cheeseburgers, those feelings subsided. I'm just about 10 months post-op and my old feelings (not yours, because I can completely understand, no judgement here) to me now seem silly. I remember thinking "I'll never be able to eat bread/pasta/rice ever again!" It's been 10 months, I can eat those things, but in very small portions and to be honest I really don't care to eat them that often anymore. You'll be surprised how you can adjust to your band, the cravings that once drove me into binges aren't really there anymore. The need for that comfort is going away, or at least not sticking it's delicious head in all the time lol. I still crave things from time to time (I am a recovering food addict, I can laugh at this now), but a few bites will do and I'm satisfied with it. If I want something that I "shouldn't" be eating, I will have some, but just a little. I believe in moderation not deprivation, deprivation is what got me to the size I was from failing at every "diet" I've ever been on. Things get better as time goes on, and hopefully they will get easier for you as they have for many of us. Good luck to you!

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I love this post! So true...Im learning a lot about myself by not being able to eat all the time or just eat whatever I want. It really makes you realize just how strong you are!! :D

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Hello to everyone that commented on this I am a day away of being 1 week post op and for me its not that hard to get the food out my mind but believe me it comes across. We all made this decision to be healthy to loss the unwanted weight. I just came to live with this and obey your tool you are not restricted on what u like it's actually how much of it u put in u and we no that shouldn't be a whole lot. Everyone stay strong and eat what u like in moderation or even alter the meal a little to be healthier with taste. That's what I am gonna do Because did we really go threw surrgery for nothing dry.gif

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Arnetta I am so moved by your story. We do come so attached to food don't we? And we don't even know it. When I got home from the 1st day of my gastric sleeve surgery, I cried too! I asked myself "omgosh what have I done to myself"? The intial shock of finally getting the surgery and now dealing with the reality of "reality" is a lot to bare. In time, you will become so much more at ease with your decesion. Once you start to see the weight is coming off and you are making wiser choices of foods to eat. This OMGosh theory will soon fade.

I wish you all the best and if you need anything...just a email away..GOOD LUCK

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Being just a lapster wife, I have not experienced the loss like you have, but I saw my husband go thru it a few days after surgery. I told him not to think about never getting to eat his favorites again...bread, pizza, noodles, mac & cheese, those things will just have to be modified. I will research and find a recipes for non-gluten breads, pizza crusts, etc. I found spaghetti and elbow macaroni made with rice instead that I will try here shortly. To say that you can never have these foods again is what causes you to want them so bad...deprivation. I feel this will give me something to do by finding alternatives for him that we will both eat.

Good luck to you!

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