mourning the loss of a dear friend.......FOOD.
So I am a little over a week post op and finally in a better frame of mind. I am ashamed to be admitting this but hope that maybe it will help someone else. Please no judgement.
*DEEP SIGHS*
How could I be 2nd guessing my choice....I mean I worked so hard to make this happen and have researched it for 8 years.......but I did.
Right after surgery it all hit me like a ton of bricks ....not in the chest but right in the face. And all I kept asking myself is WHAT HAVE I DONE? This surgery that I kept telling myself was reversable was not as easily reversed as I had made myself believe. The minute I walked through my front door all I could think is "this is NOT what I want" and now it's to late!"
And the only reason I could say that it wasn't what I wanted ,Swas because I couldn't quit thinking about all the food that I would never be able to eat again. And not getting to eat any food for a week and then knowing I was only going to be on pureed food for another 3 weeks just made it worse. I WANTED TO EAT......and I wanted to sit on the floor with all my favorite foods and .........CRY. I didn't understand this. I couldn't understand how I had become so attached to food and not even know it.
A REALLY GOOD FRIEND of mine, Diane, (God Love her) had mention that sometimes we mourn the loss of food like it was a good friend.....and I read what she wrote but apparently didn't listen before hand because it came as a total shock to me. I mean how could I actually be mourning the fact that I might never get to eat a pizza again and even worse, my favorite, spaghetti. (this is where I want to put the LOL but it's not so funny. I am quite ashamed. I truly found myself crying and crying....I wouldn't admit it when my husband asked me what was wrong....but I honestly knew why I was crying even if I didn't understand it myself. This went on for almost a full week. But I am thankful to say I am in a much better frame of mind.
The surgery itself, looking back, was really very easy. It's the emotions that I thought I had a handle on before surgery....and then feeling like I was loosing my mind....that has really been the hard part for me.
But yesterday was a good day and today was better. I Sat down to dinner with my family finally tonight. I had a very small bowl of pureed chili and I didn't feel like I lost my best friend. I enjoyed our family time. Tomorrow I hope it's the same.
THANK YOU DIANE FOR BEING HERE FOR ME EVEN WHEN I WASN'T.
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