hello, diary. It's been a while since I updated and i'm pretty sure my last few entries were total bummers.

things are going better. i've got a personal trainer (thanks mom 'n dad!) that i see a few times a week and i'm really trying to watch the food.

when i get depressed i eat (dont we all) .. but i have type 2 diabetes, and i go on sugar binges. and when i say binge i mean BINGE. and now that i'm taking some medical-type-classes, i'm scared to death of letting my diabetes get more out of control. every new disease i learn about - i assume i have. and everything related to not taking care of diabetes, has scared the **** out of me. but i'm proud of myself and the way i've been controlling my sugar, the past couple of weeks. working out helps.

i never, never thought i would say this, but... working out has become something i enjoy. it's still difficult to get myself to the gym. maybe because it's been a lifetime of resisting it. maybe because my family's been on my ass about constantly, and that makes me want to smack them all and hide in my room.. maybe it's because i spent a lot of years tipping the scale at around 300 pounds... but going to the gym has helped my depression immensely. even if it's just for while i'm there, at least that's less time i spend going insane with horrible thoughts.

as a result of all of this my weight has finally been moving down some. i'm wearing jeans i havent worn in years and today i finally FINALLY wore a top that i bought 2 years ago and never had the guts to wear because the tire around my stomach was too big. ******* yay.

i'm still crazy depressed a lot of the time. whenever i have time to be, basically. it's 2:14am. i have tomorrow off. i'm trying only to take ambien nights when i have to be up early the next day. i am tired, i tried reading and just laying here but nothing works. even being tired won't help me sleep. so i decided to write.

i've even, basically, stopped smoking pot. a couple of times in the past month or so (which is good for me)... but i'm thinking about getting stoned tonight. the loneliness and depression are kind of getting to me tonight, and pot really helps lift that mental weight. but it's hard not to eat when i'm stoned. and i've been trying to deal with my emotions, instead of medicating with food and drugs. f**k, this is hard. self medicating is a way of life and ... it's just very difficult.

i don't know. i'm rambling... things are going so well, finally.. why am i so depressed and fucked up?

in class we were talking about mental disorders and depression. and she was saying how there's no quick fix for it. it bothers the **** out of me that she is right.

i should throw some pictures up here. a before surgery and a recent one.

in february i weighed 304 pounds.

as of yesterday i weigh 257.

things are going in the right direction.

i miss john so much that sometimes it is hard to breathe. in november it will be 2 years since his death. this should be easier than it is.