I have been struggling with the break up between me and my now ex boyfriend. I struggle with having so many question that I guess remain unanswered. I think it just clicked for me this morning to just get over it. I am currently reading a book by Joyce Meyer Beauty For Ashes: Receiving Emotional Healing as I am reading it the more things are starting to make sense to me. I think that I have so many different emotional heartache. I had to say to myself God Loves you Nikkia, I had to start saying until I finally felt it in my soul. I was never an overweight person.I was wearing a size 12/14 until I had my first son 8 years ago. I think that I felt like I had so much to prove that I could raise my son without anyone. I think I stressed myself out and I really didn't have to prove myself to anyone. I have my second son 3 years later and once again I felt like I needed to prove myself to people and show them I can do things on my own with two kids. I dated a man who was physically and emotionally abusive. I dated him for a year until I just had enough and just felt like I am better off alone. I then dated a man for 4 years and I can tell you he was a good guy I just think that my emotional state at the time was just all over the place. He would say that i was the biggest woman he ever dated. I wasn't sure how to take it. I went to a Dr, that my mother went to for weight loss. the program was great I was on 1000 cal diet and he also gave me phentermine and I was on a roll. From April to June I had lost 60lbs. Funny thing is everyone looked at me and would say I looked great but I was still so unhappy. I didn't do it for me I did it so my then boyfriend would be happy. he to this day says that he didn't have a issue with my weight, yet he would mention issue with my weight. I lost my job in 2007 and I was so unhappy in the relationship that i began to go back to what I love. FOOD. I would eat and eat because I just didn't care anymore.

When I made the decision to get the lap band I really just got sick feeling sorry for myself. I still have the emotional set backs but my love for Nikkia is so much greater. Happiness is not about losing the weight because you can lose the weight and still be miserable.

My focus now is to become a healthier person and to have a better balance of dealing with my emotions. I am a giving person and I want to share so much and give so much, I just have to remember to think about Nikkia and the things that want and need. I am thinking about becoming a foster parent. I feel that there is so much to offer a child and I want to offer a child not a new life but a second chance.

I weighed myself today and I am currently 251.8 before surgery weight 280 surgery date 7/27/11

Unti tomorrow

Msoutlaw

this is me when I loss 60lbs

Msoutlaw

the picture attached I had loss 60 lbs