My littlest sister who I have never been very close to and lives in colorado with none of her family and must like it that way, takes a surprising interest in my WLS.

She wants to be involved and I let her. She wants to pay for self and be there for me.

She is so releived and so happy for me.

I realize that she is alot like my dad, she can love you unconditionally, not needing some kids of relationship to care about her sister who fighting for her life in such poor health, getting treatment that is considered Do or DIe. She cant think of anything more important in her life than THIS.

Me and my loved ones who live near me dont think like this. Its not like I got cancer and going in for the cure but it could kill me..

I made myself so obese that I broke my body and had to get WLS.

Yeah, its a new hope.. Another chance at a life.

She is so happy I have this opportunity,

I feel like I dont deserve it.. SO its hard to feel good about..

Sometimes I think maybe I should of just died...

My sister thinks thats the stupidest thing she ever heard. She doesnt know.. She hasnt had to live with me in her life.

She cant undertand how my kids or our other sister or I...could be so lax about it..

We are tired, we are affraid, we only know failure and trust nothing. No one wants to feel any kind of real hope cuz one more lost hope and we know its all over for me. No, NO one would say they dont care if I died.. But they all understand why I feel that way. Everyone will be alot better off without me being a burdon for the next 40 years. No one will ever leave me, they have too much loyalty..

................

Well, I want my middle sister, or my cousin or my older daughter to go with me. They are the ones who I am most close to. Who know how to take care of me, who I feel safe with and get along with and comfortable and understand eachother..

My middle sister act like she dont care, my cousin has no money and my daughter shouldnt have to do this for me.

I am affraid of Mary seeing how pathetic I am, I am affraid she wont helo me right, I am worried I will embarrass her.. What if she totally regrets it?

I am right and she doesnt know how much help I need. I know its almost impossible to know unless you are familiar with the person. Once I asked her to help me up off the curb, the next time I did it myself and she said "see, you can do it"

Like its that simple. See, she doesn know me, she thinks I would ask for help off a curb just for fun.. LOLOLOLOO never.

She said "oh it cant be that bad" when it felt like hippos were dancing on my chest..

She didnt come to the hospital much but I didnt need her to.. But I know the others wouldnt have left if I begged them to.

I am glad she came. She is who I would choose over anyone now.

My middle sister would of been irritable and grumpy and I would of felt guilty for it.

My cousin would of been a total dumb ass and it would of drove me bonkers trying to take care of her.

My daughter would of been scared and lost about what was what.

THANK YOU to my littlest sister.. For being like dad and not like us.