Much to my dismay, my pulmonary doctor (who I was required to see as part of the pre-op requirements) ordered a sleep study; her initiative: "I have a closed off (a.k.a. fat) throat". Anyone who knows me, knows that I have trouble sleeping. I can't fall asleep. I can't stay asleep. Which leads to oversleeping. I'm an anxious person when it comes to sleeping. And so, the doctor's order seemed rather counterintuitive: This girl has trouble sleeping, so let's hook her up to lots of machines, with lots of wires, in an alien enviornment and see how it all works out. Long story, short: I COULD NOT SLEEP. Short story, longer: I will most likely have to do the study again.

When I got home from sleeping all night, I, in turn, slept all day. Which lead to staying up all night again etc. I am out of sync. When I can't sleep, or don't sleep well, I eat. Nothing calms me down and starts the ZzZzzzz like some carbs and peanut butter. On this given night I devoured a box of fruit roll-ups (interesting choice, I know!)

The result, I feel sluggish, overtired, undertired, tired, plain blah. And then the negative thinking starts. (Devil) How will I deal with the band when I have yet to control my eating . (Angel) The band can help you control your eating. (Sly Devil) It will be just another diet, set of rules, you can't follow. (Angel) Maybe things can be different? (Devil with the blue dress) You can't do it. This is a bad idea. You are worthless. You can't matter. (Angel) Maybe he's right. (Devil Wearing Prada) You will never wear Prada!

How do people who have dieted all their lives and tried and failed and tried and failed, come to the decision to get banded? Even if the band is just a "tool" how do you decide to want to learn how to use it when you've tried other tools (gimmicks) without luck? How do you aspire to hope when you can't remember how?