I'm anxious, I'm anxious. I suspect that is how it will be until I have the surgery and possibly beyond. I've spoken with my surgeon and I'm going to have the surgery sometime in September. I have to wait until September because that's when the money will be available. I'm self pay and my boyfriend is loaning me a good portion of the money.

My surgeon has spoken with my primary care provider and they are both working very well together to set up my pre-surgery testing. He's very thorough and so is she. I love them both. Neither judges people and they simply want to help you be the best person you can be.

My home situation is rough right now for many reasons. Some I can't control and other problems that I need to be better about understanding what role I play with them.

Food is always tough for me. Essentially I love it. It tastes good. However I'm slowly allowing it to assassinate me. I could go back to the when and wheres of when I became obese as a child and what I've done as an adult to combat it but we all go through the same roller coaster of losing and gaining, being in control and then feeling like we're starving until we lose all control. For the last 10-15 years I have always exercised regularly and I feel confident that this will be a big help for me as I rebuild my health. I have concerns that I will "miss" my current relationship with food. I think that's normal. We are like any addict that needs treatment.

I have concerns that I will not have enough support after surgery. Family, friends, partners, they all intend to be supportive and there for you however I feel that it may be short lived and that they do not truly understand the magnitude of the change. My bf always likes to eat out, when I want to tell him no, I feel like I'm depriving him of enjoyment and I am secretly allowing him to encourage my over-eating. I know he doesn't see it that way, he's not the addict, I am. The house I currently live in is filled with garbage food. Processed food, sugary food, fatty food etc. I feel like bull dozing it and starting over but it's not my home and how do you impose your lifestyle on others? He would eat healthy with me if it was just us but I feel that other people who live there would never even try. I could explain that's it's poisoning their children and grand children but I'm pretty sure it would be a lost conversation. Who am I to preach, I'm the addict.

So for now I've resigned myself to the fate of the fact that I may have to be an island or get my support from others in the same boat. Surely there are others out there just like me