loony loony loony
ah. diary. i hate how you block out words you consider naughty. i will simply have to be more creative.
i went out to lunch today with a friend. the first meal out with a non-family member. i like this girl a lot and occasionally thought about letting it slip and just telling her i have the band. but i kept catching myself. if she turns out to be a real and true friend then yes. but until then i am sick of bringing it up, anyway.
still having these crazy anxiety attacks.. not as often, but they're there and they fcuk with my being. and i dont know how to attack them, from what angle. sometimes smoking pot helps, but then i just want to eat and eat and eat and eat and eat until i die. which hasnt been helping too much these last few days.
i still can't imagine the weight being off. i'm about 265 right now. i gain and lose up to 8 pounds a week, it's insanity. i shouldnt weigh myself every day. it's a terrible habit to get into, and i'm sure most of the people on here would agree with me.
i need to be eating more than lean protein and oatmeal. gotta put veggies and multi-vitamins in. STOP SLACKING.
speaking of slacking. - working out. i was all gung-ho for a while then it lost some(all) steam. but this week my beautiful amazing mother and i are going to a personal trainer together, to get our workout on. i'm glad for this.
i want to build up stamina so that i may stay at the gym longer, and perhaps even know what i'm doing while i'm there. this weight absolutely can not come off fast enough. at the start of this year i was 304. today i'm 264. a few days ago i was 262. i'm a yoyo. but at least i'm getting ******* down with my yoyo self.
it just cant be ALL about the food. this depression comes from sitting inside, alone, all day because i dont feel good enough for... society. going to an all ladies gym can help that. definitely. working out with mum will be fun.
i see all these women on the forums that are married and it fascinates me. my mind is fukced and all but wow. letting someone touch my body at this weight is not even an option. but then it goes beyond that to things way more psychological. like letting someone love me at this weight. just typing it out makes me feel ill. so... obviously i have deep, deep issues.
anyway. was i going somewhere with this? i want this ******* weight off of me. literally and figuratively. i want to get my ass on the ball, eat more veggies and go to the gym at least LEAST twice a week to start. just to start. relax into it.
my blood sugar's been good. other than the past 2 days my eating has been tops.
my dad occasionally mentions the money he spent on me for this surgery and it makes me feel like a complete failure in life. even tho he doesn't mean to make me feel that way or anything. i dont know. someday i would like for my parents to be proud of me.
until then, i'm off into the wild blue yonder.. but not really. it's 1:20am and i am typing this from bed.
i want to meet other girls in my spot. why is that so hard?
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