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loony loony loony

jessyM

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ah. diary. i hate how you block out words you consider naughty. i will simply have to be more creative.

 

i went out to lunch today with a friend. the first meal out with a non-family member. i like this girl a lot and occasionally thought about letting it slip and just telling her i have the band. but i kept catching myself. if she turns out to be a real and true friend then yes. but until then i am sick of bringing it up, anyway.

 

still having these crazy anxiety attacks.. not as often, but they're there and they fcuk with my being. and i dont know how to attack them, from what angle. sometimes smoking pot helps, but then i just want to eat and eat and eat and eat and eat until i die. which hasnt been helping too much these last few days.

 

i still can't imagine the weight being off. i'm about 265 right now. i gain and lose up to 8 pounds a week, it's insanity. i shouldnt weigh myself every day. it's a terrible habit to get into, and i'm sure most of the people on here would agree with me.

 

i need to be eating more than lean protein and oatmeal. gotta put veggies and multi-vitamins in. STOP SLACKING.

 

speaking of slacking. - working out. i was all gung-ho for a while then it lost some(all) steam. but this week my beautiful amazing mother and i are going to a personal trainer together, to get our workout on. i'm glad for this.

 

i want to build up stamina so that i may stay at the gym longer, and perhaps even know what i'm doing while i'm there. this weight absolutely can not come off fast enough. at the start of this year i was 304. today i'm 264. a few days ago i was 262. i'm a yoyo. but at least i'm getting ******* down with my yoyo self.

 

it just cant be ALL about the food. this depression comes from sitting inside, alone, all day because i dont feel good enough for... society. going to an all ladies gym can help that. definitely. working out with mum will be fun.

 

i see all these women on the forums that are married and it fascinates me. my mind is fukced and all but wow. letting someone touch my body at this weight is not even an option. but then it goes beyond that to things way more psychological. like letting someone love me at this weight. just typing it out makes me feel ill. so... obviously i have deep, deep issues.

 

anyway. was i going somewhere with this? i want this ******* weight off of me. literally and figuratively. i want to get my ass on the ball, eat more veggies and go to the gym at least LEAST twice a week to start. just to start. relax into it.

 

my blood sugar's been good. other than the past 2 days my eating has been tops.

 

my dad occasionally mentions the money he spent on me for this surgery and it makes me feel like a complete failure in life. even tho he doesn't mean to make me feel that way or anything. i dont know. someday i would like for my parents to be proud of me.

 

until then, i'm off into the wild blue yonder.. but not really. it's 1:20am and i am typing this from bed.

 

i want to meet other girls in my spot. why is that so hard?



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First you have to ask yourself why did you get the surgery done. Was it to please you or please others. Also what may really help you is to go to the support group of the hospital you had the surgery from and speak with other bandsters that is going through some of the things you have experienced.

Trust and believe I know where your coming from, you have to and I mean you have to learn to LOVE YOURSELF.......THAT IS A MUST...... When you begain feeling confident believe me I'm a female and I will tell you, we females love a confident man. Maybe slowly you have to build up to it.

You have to preoccupy your mind with others things that you enjoy. If you know your not putting 100% into your weight-loss, than your not going to get 100% back. There must other things to do that you may enjoy that could be athletic type other than going to the gym.. How about swimming, roller-skating, long walks with your ipod.

Take one meal at a time, Get though one meal at a time. Preplan your meals ahead also. Such as protein shakes with any fruit, cinnamin. Mash potiatoes, oatmeal, cream of wheat, boil eggs, Whole wheat spagehtti with lean ground beef to make meatballs, Tuna melts (open face and whole bread). These are some examples.

Remember the women will come, focus on YOU first, YOU are so important. And Congradiulations you have lost weight you just have to get your focus back.

Good luck!

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Girl .. I was just like you . You gotta stop feeling sorry for yourself and LIVE !!! You shouldnt really be concerned with a man not loving you because you are big you should be concernd that he's not going to want to deal with the depression issues you have. I know this because I had to over come ALOT to get where i am today and it all dwindels down too.. stop feeling so ******* sorry for myself.

Pot doesnt help either . You are just making yourself more depressed. Get up off the couch and go outside !

Im saying these things to save your life not to be mean. If you dont care about yourself why the hell would should anyone else ?

=)

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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 10pt"><SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 16pt; LINE-HEIGHT: 115%; FONT-FAMILY: 'Arial','sans-serif'">Always remember: The greatest love is the love of thou own self! Honey, before you can ever love or receive love from anyone else you must first “love” yourself. God made you special and unique and there is someone out there waiting to love you.<BR><BR>I wish you the very best in every thing that you do. You are wonderfully made in God's own image.</SPAN><SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 16pt; LINE-HEIGHT: 115%"><?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p></SPAN></P>

<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 10pt"><SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 16pt; LINE-HEIGHT: 115%"><o:p><FONT face=Calibri> </FONT></o:p></SPAN></P>

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I agree with Shonette, you have to love yourself before you consider getting another person in your life! Embrace what you have done with getting the lapband, charge ahead with it! You sound young, you have so much to experience and now that the weight is leaving you....you can!!! Get out there & love the life God has blessed you with!

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