Well hope everyone had a wonderful 4th of July! I had the wonderful opportunity to spend the weekend with my three beautiful grandchildren and daughter. It was so great to have the energy to keep up with a 5, 7 and 12 year old. We spent the days in the pool and evenings playing in the yard. We had a cook out on the 4th and than went DT to watch the fireworks and get our faces painted. I don't think I could have asked for a better holiday weekend. Oh and I lost 2 lbs. Even with company here I managed to stay true to my new eating behaviors. I decided to cook what I could eat and daily went out and bought snacks for the kids so they were not sitting around the house. My husband did bring chips into the house for the kids on the 4th and I must say they have always been my weakness and still are and when they left on Tuesday I sent them packing out the door. I really can't trust myself because I knew I would eat them and why have the temptation so close at hand. I also sent all the mini cheese cakes and potato salad. My daughter brought her Pilate's bands and taught me some new strengthening exercise so I could do some more toning at home on my legs and arms. I know I will probably not be able to tighten up all the shrinkles but every little bit helps. I have managed to make it to Curves 4 days a week since starting but still have not got my exercise heart rate up to the 70% they want me to, but I can tell a difference in my energy level. Tonight I got on the WII to weigh myself and was surprised to have lost 2 lbs in the last 9 days. I have been trying hard to stick to 3 meals a day, writing down everything I eat and trying to not do the shakes and bars and eat real food for all my meals. Believe me making myself eat solids for all meals is hard, and requires a lot more planning. I got all of my labs back several weeks ago and my HDL was not high enough and my LDL was too high. So increase the exercise, increase the fiber(and this is very hard). When I got on the scales tonight I am not sure what I would have done if I would have stayed the same. I read and read and everything I read says I have lost above average but when you do everything right you want a reward and my reward has been that number dropping. Sometimes I feel I become fixated with the numbers and so need to refocus myself on the fact that this is a journey and everyday that I make a positive change in my life it is a change in the right direction. I think I have finally realized that the next 30-40lbs is going to be slow and steady. I am not the most patient person, and I really thrive on instant gratification, who of us doesn't? I spend time ever evening reading the blogs because it helps me stay focused, I read the success and the struggles.(I don't like to call them failures because I believe we are all trying to be successful and some do it quicker than others. I try not to compare myself with others because all of our bodies respond differently. Learning from others like us is our key to our success.

I had a friend at work who had the band several months ago and she was struggling with getting to her sweet spot and was struggling with not losing. She told me that she had to distance herself from me because it made her feel bad that she was not losing and I was. But she said what helped her most was staying in therapy with the psychologist and getting her head straight. I think sometimes that is something we all struggle with, we had the surgery, we try hard to eat right but we struggle with demons off and on whether we admit it or not. I went to one of the support group sessions a couple of weeks ago and it was sort of a b***h session for a lot. I heard a lot of people blaming the physician and the navigator for them not knowing or understanding something. I sat there and listened and finally thought, how can we hold others to blame for our inability to lose weight. My doctor made it very clear to me, no guarantees, this was a tool and only a tool and the work was up to me. Let's face it I am really good at lying to myself and talking myself into believing that just one bite won't hurt. ( Just like the fish sandwich and biggie Fry's I used to eat on the way home from work as my first dinner, it didn't count because me and the server were the only witness to my act) I work daily on holding myself accountable, it is my responsibility to listen to my body and inform my doctor if something isn't working but first it is my responsibility to follow the rules. (NONE of this is easy, if it was easy I could have done it without the help of lap band, RIGHT!)

When I got my lab work back, I was disappointed. I thought, I make healthy food choices what else do they want? The nutritionist said, add more fiber and vegetables. I said how in the H%$# am I suppose to do that when I can only eat so much at a meal and I need to focus on protein. She said, eat legumes, oatmeal, nuts, flaxseed. Oh, I said legumes are protein, duhhhh! And EXERCISE, oh that dreaded word. How many of us thought all we had to do was have the surgery and the band would do all the work. How did that work out for everyone, not that good huh! I think I said this in another blog but I had always thought weight loss surgery was a cop out but boy have I changed my mind. This has been one of the most life changing things that I have ever done. For me my lap band forces me to make healthy choices. I am not just paying a fee to WW to get weighed weekly, I altered my body, I had surgery, I put a limit on my choices of what to eat and eating now requires a lot of thought and planning. So lap band bloggers, yes losing weight is what we all hope to achieve but should that be our only focus? Maybe our focus should be on dealing with changing all the learned bad behaviors we have developed over the years and lap band surgery alone will not change those behaviors or those feelings. I constantly find myself checking in with myself because it is so easy to lose one bad behavior and pick up a new one. It is so hard to hold yourself accountable, so hard not to convince yourself to take just one bite, so hard not to slide back to bad habits with just ONE bite! I don't know how to cope unless I just cut them out of my life. But that seems so final and cold. Should we deprive ourselves of the things we love, until I learn control, for me that will be a yes and maybe will always be a yes. Does an alcoholic ever stop being an alcoholic, NO. Does a drug addict every find a time when they can have just one fix, NO. Will I ever be able to be alone in a room with a bag or bowl of chips. I doubt it! My journey will be full of peaks and valleys. I will have successes and I will have back slides. I will work daily to hold myself accountable for my actions and to be honest with myself. Because honestly I am the only person I ever lied to, everyone else could see what I had done to myself and now you know too.