hi diary land. so. ****. the band's been good. i was stuck in the same 3 pound up and down game for a couple weeks but that seems to be over. thank god.

i've been insanely depressed the past few days.. all day anxiety attacks, constant nausea and unable to stomach food. none of this has to do with my band, in fact the weight loss is really the only saving grace during this period of existence.

i weighed myself today and i'm 267 pounds. it's crazy. i haven't been in the 260's for about 6 years and even then it was fleeting. obviously.

this depression **** feels fully about being extremely lonely. the one person i had a connection with just told me he's in love with someone else and now i feel like i'm just floating. some sort of floating, broken zombie. ew. how pathetic. so let's move on from that....

i want to start seeing a personal trainer. i want this weight to come off as fast as humanly possible. i needed lap-band because i basically need to be choked to get myself to stop eating. it's sad but it is true. food is my oldest and dearest frenemy. it seems hardly possible to break up with it without a support system. and in this case that support system needs to take the form of some b***h that's going to make me sweat. hard.

i don't know. everything is so awful. not everything. this band is a pretty ******* fat (no pun intended) silver lining to my ****-cloud. but sometimes it is nearly impossible to keep those positive thoughts flowing. i dont know why. and i wonder if anyone else has gone through a strange bought of depression after getting banded.

i'm wearing a pair of corduroy pants that i haven't fit into in years. the last time i checked (last year) i felt like if i buttoned the top of them that it would shoot off and knock some kids eye out. now i'm sitting here and they're actually baggy on me. i cant believe i am one of THOSE people, now. i can't believe the band is actually working for me. it seems so impossible. i have been fat my entire life. morbidly obese forever. i still am, obviously... but it's a whole new world.

i still can't see myself as not fat. i worry that i never will. it's not a huge worry. but it seems impossible, doesn't it? to spend your entire life obsessing every day over something and having it be in the forefront of your mind whenever you do anything, go anywhere, meet anyone, eat anything... and suddenly there is hope that it can just... not be, anymore. it's just unreal. it's just impossible to think that this will finally work for me, even though it IS working for me.

does that make sense? it has to make sense.

i'm going in for a second fill a week from today. i genuinely don't feel much restriction, which is what makes this even more spectacular.

i don't know. what a mind f**k of emotions. how can i be so depressed and shitty and yet so GOOD at the same time?

sometimes i swear i'm manic-depressive. other times i think i am simply repressed and regressed from a lifetime of believing i'm not good enough because i'm not thin enough.

i don't know. ****.

more entries soon. more betterness. more goodness more sanity. seriously, folks, it can only go up from here.

until next time..

what a weird entry, this. it will be better soon. it can only get better.