I learned to NEVER give up hope.

There are things in life you may not even know exist that can help you.

Recall I had come to the conclusion about a year before that I could never lose weight on my own cuz My body was in so much pain that excersize was out and life was just too hard. I couldnt do it when it was alot easier. I had NEVEr admitted defeat about anything before. I had to. Once I did it became alot easier to live with myself.

So.. It happened by acident:

I had been givin some ULTRAM (non narcotic pain pills) for my menstral pains (obgyn) and soon found my self able to be more physically mobile.

I realized I was being all mobile cuz my body didnt hurt.

It was a magical day. I was sorting laundry, washing it, drying it.. as if I hadnt just spent the last year Sitting on top of it for three hours, sorting as I sat. And having the kids put the loads in.

I discovered PAIN pills, and how if your body hurts and you releive that body of hurt, it functions better.. (I swear it was like finding the meaning to life)

I could clean the house, feed the animals, park myself, check the mail, wash my hair...etc etc.

I COULD ALSO get some excersize in and focus on my health not on my exhastion and blinding pain.

I HAD HOPE AGAIN.. I was alive again. I was SAVED!

NOt so fast:

My doctor was a fucking cunt from hell who I wish I could confront and humiliate to this day. (all the reasons why will NOT be covered in here)

I told her a million times in the past I had constant pain mostly in my back. NOw, I told her how the pills (prescribed by a gyno) had releived that pain and that I would like to have some more for every day please.

She laughed in my face. (OH god if you could see the faces she made!)

She said I was too "euphoric" about my new found mobility and ability to LIVE a real life. She said narcotic Pills are not prescribed to make people feel happy about their life. She said "cocain makes people feel good, should they do it?"

I told her I didnt feel high at all, I knew what high feels like, I wasnt euphoric, If I ever became euphoric I would report to her.. I was willing to start on a low dose.

I tried to get her to understand that I WANTED THE PILLS TO RELEIVE THE PAIN IN MY BACK AND BODY.. and BECAUSE that pain was releived, I was able to be my normal happy self. IT WAS NOT the drug making me happy.. SHEESH

Finally she says "there is nothing wrong with you.. your obese and your out of shape and your simply having aches and pains and if you would drink more water, excersize and take care of your self, You will feel alot better."

She said the way I referred to it as getting my life back showed that I was overly sinsitive and dramatic and extreemly emotional.

She also said this is the cause of my pain. That If I had a more possitive and brighter look out on life, I wouldnt have the pain I THink I have.

(the thought of her checking my back or doing any kind of research at all to see where my pain was coming from.. was not discussed or thought of by me..I just didnt think of it. If I had I would of asked her to check me out, she should of done that nayway)

When she normally said these things, I felt belittled and I shut down.

BUT nOW, MY LIFE was at stake.

So I tried to show her why I knew those things werent true.

I knew what pain was and how to listen to my body.

I was NOT stupid!

I explained that I had left a crackwhore mom and quit a very bad life of crime and perversion and addictions.. I made a life for myself and my children from age 16, I graduated high school in the top ten, I went on to get my AA and then moved all alone to get my BA.. and I had walked through floods to get the kids to daycare, and worked any shit job i could find, I raised really good kids and I never ever left them, I have lived in my car with my kids for two weeks JUST so we didnt miss any school, and I walked 40 blocks sometimes when my car broke down to college and back rather than risk doing poorly or missing school.

I told her how I excelled in every job, I was teachers aid and the next year made a preschool teacher (unheard of for a student) I then taught the incoming students on how to be with the kids and I AM the one who came up with the curriculum after taking a 500 level class..and it was used for the two years I was there.

I was trained and became cetified to provide foster care to kids 12 to 21 (though I never took them up on it) The agency pratically begged me to write a proposal so they could open a much needed teen parent home..

I got on at Rape crisis and soon I had the key to the office and the pager for weeks at a time when the rule was no more than 48 hours and it was cuz I outshined and prooved myself to be better than most. Much more.

I never had a man taking care of me, and no parents and didnt need friends either. My kids were in every sport, I was room mother. I did special needs child care, I organized city block garage sales, I threw parties for the college housing kids,

Those things above were VERY hard for me. I was young, alone, mom of three, poor and obese.

I told her that I bust my ass everyday, I have been for a long time.

I told her that I dont feel happy unless I am exhausted and feeling my efforts and find it unsettling to lay around and relax.

I told her I am not affraid of pain. I kinda thrived on it.

I told her that I go 100% almost every day and it barely covers the basics. She snorted at that.

Didnt tell her: (I have fallen, passed out and bruised myself at times because its not in me to quit, It makes me feel like shit.

So i go too far. I happend to have developed a habit of self abuse.

BUT its not abuse if you like it!)

I know doctors dont like it when you go on and on (protest too much)

BUT I NEEDED her to stop assuming I was some obese lazy loser who didnt know anything. My degree was in psychology. I KNEW plenty.

Still she refused.. asking me "what are you doing now"

"I HAD TO QUIT SCHOOL cuz of the pain.. I can hardly manage my day"

Scoffed..

I tried one more thing..

That IF my pain wasnt really real, that the pain pills wouldnt have that affect.. and if I was depressed and lazy and unmotivated ... HOW and WHY would I suddenly start doing all the things I always did before I got the pain. I would still choose to sit around and be lazy and whine if that was true.

She said that narcotics are very powerful drugs that fool the brain and give you a high that can make you do all kinds of things..

I told her I think If that was happeneing I would like do stupid things like druggies do.. BUt I happen to do the things I did before like laundry and the yard and wash the car (things I had stopped doin)

She never really heard me and just said what she thought anyway.

This was not one appointment. This was many over several months

....

I refused to give up.

I got the ultram for my cramps once a month and thus I had some to experiment with.. I found out that I never got euphoric, that I only needed like two pills and That they did indeed make me whole again.

I saved some to take to camping and BAM, I was doing ALL the camp things I used to love but had to stop cuz of pain.

I prooved it to myself over and over that I was NOT lazy and depressed.

I made the mistake and told her this and she said I was misusing the pills and she was going to talk to my gyno about that.

So here is some back story on the gyno.. this doctor (the cunt) had dicked me around for almost two years.. I had extreme menstral pain and begged for help. Somehow she held me off for that long. I was never gave a pap and she was giving me depo and said I was lucky to get that cuz it did help alittle. ONE day after expelling a ruber chunk the size of a deck of cards, I refused to let her dissmiss me.

She threw her hands up and said "GO TO A specialist, THATS all I can tell yOU" She was mocking me.. BUT I DID GO

The obgyn specialist, listened to me for half an hour, told me I had some problems to take care of and look into and gave me the ultram for pain.

(I have had two ablations and soon to have a hysterectomy)

NOW my doctor is threatning to call the obgyn.

BUT, I had a nice conversation with the gyno about how my doctor said there were NO pills for menstral releif but anitinflamitories..

The gyno said ultram is used all the time. That I had symptoms of menstral diseases and would need a pap.

She realizes I never had one in the two years and she asks me why and I said I didint know.. she explained it was highly irregular and she was shocked. I said my doctor never brought it up until she told me to see a specialist. She was nice to me and wanted to help me.

Well the obgyn left practice and I had to turn to my doctor for the pills for my period and she refused, calling them narcotics and NOT for mentral pain.

I told her that the obgyn said ultram IS for cramps (used all the time) and that she should doube check. And NOT a narcotic

She wasnt saying that she didnt want to give them to me.

She was saying that THEY WERE NOT prescribed for cramps.

Ummm.. Can she proove it. One of them is wrong.

So she faxed the file.. and came in laughing at me that there was NO history of me ever having ultram and that the obgyn had said I was a basket case and needed therapy to get over my fear of a pap smear.

I told her I needed to schedule a pap.... and she said she didnt do them.

I learned later that basetcase was mY words, and that my doctor had told the obgyn that I had refused paps.. NO I never! I wouldnt refuse, I wasnt that bold. had she told be about them I would of had one. SHe didnt tell me. Plus I found out she DID do paps all along.

Well all I had to do is calll the obgyn offices and ask for another obgyn to look in my file and see what I was prescribed and please call it in.. It was done in 10 mimutes.. (she had lied again about not seeing it in the file, he had seen it jut fine)

She wasnt happy once I prooved it to her and she had no excuse to deny me.. It was only 15 pills. like 5 aday for 3 days..

I needed them every day.