Ok, so...I'm putting it out there...I am not experienced when it comes to love and romance. I've never had a boyfriend and I've only been properly kissed once...by a super hot guy in a band that I won a Valentine's Day date with. I've always been insecure about my weight...positive that no one would be ever be interested in someone has big as me. Over the years, there have been a few (just a few) guys who have tried to penetrate that brick wall that I've got up but no one really put in much effort, which played into my insecurities.

Now, 80lbs down, things are slightly different. I'm not getting hit on all of the time but I have definitely noticed more attention and there have been a couple of guys at work that have gone out of their way to try and say hello, despite my complete indifference. I've mostly just ben confused by the attention...I may weigh less but I still know what's going on under my clothes, and it's not pretty....I'm thinking that no matter how interested they are, that interest will wane fast as soon as things get intimate. So, I'm being exposed to this whole new world of male attention and I'm completely clueless as to how I am supposed to react to it.

The other night, I was at a gay bar with friends (some were gay, some were not, including me), and I casually remarked to them that there was a REALLY hot guy who just walked in. I have pretty good gaydar and this guy didn't seem gay but I asked my gay male friend, and he said "sure he is", so that was the end of that. Besides, I often make remarks about guys I find attractive to friends, just to fit in, I want to come off as normal as possible, I'd die if they knew just how inexperienced I am. So I made my comment and then promptly forgot about it. Twenty mintutes later, one of my other (very drunk) friends, taps me on the shoulder and she has this cute guy in tow. She says "I asked him if he was gay and he said he wasn't and I told him you thought he was cute, so here he is". I was floored to say the least. I mean, i'd been drinking but I was NOWHERE near as drunk as I needed to be to handle this situation. But I did start talking to this guy who was hot, Iike seriously unbelievably hot with this amazing body. And the whole time, I am nervous and freaking out. So it turns out that he was visiting for the weekend from Indiana and he was staying with 2 gay friends (who could not be staring more intently during this conversation). I'm responding back but getting more and more freaked out y the moment. Suddenly, there was a lull in the conversation and I sort of took the opportunity to drift back to my friends. Who then proceeded to berate me about why I was talking to them and not this hot guy! I looked over and he was talking to another friend of mine who is tiny, like a size 4. So I thought, of course, that's the natural order of things and now the pressure is off, he's talking to another straight girl in the bar that is much more likely to be his type. But my friends still wouldn't let up on me. At some point, hot guy talks to me again and asks what our plans are after this bar. i tell him I have no idea, that people are just now sorting out where they'd like to go. He tells me he and his friends are going to some club and asks if he'll see me there. I tell him I don't know, I have to see what my friends are thinking. So I turn to them and they completely nix the idea of going to this club, all while pressuring me to "make something happen" with this guy, either go with him and his friends (who I seriously thought did not think I was good enough for their hot friend) or give him my number and tell him to call me. The more they pressure me, the further I shut down, it's as if every insecurity, every bad thought I've had about myself, my size, my looks, everything caves in at once. I'm in full-scale meltdown mode. The hot guy turns to me one more time before they leave and asks if he will see me at this club and I say maybe even though everything inside of me is screaming "hell no!". And then he is gone.

My friends immediately start in on me "what was wrong with me...that guy was hot! Why didn't I pursue it more, etc. etc." I was mortified, embarrassed, confused about what they thought I was supposed to do, just...everything. Part of me couldn't believe this guy even talked to me....that he didn't run away screaming when my drunk friend pointed me out as the one that had made the comment. I may have lost some weight but I am NOT skinny, thin, just a little chubby, or any of those things. I am still a big girl, compliments aside. Now i am a big girl with a melting body...nothing is where it should be and while I can deal with it in clothes, I can only dream of a day when I get to goal and can get some plastic surgery to fix this....situation. But the contradiction is that yeah, I am lonely, and yeah, I'd love a boyfriend, or even love to make out with someone super attractive who I never thought would be interested in me, ever. But I have no idea about how to get from point A to point B.

I read the message boards and I feel like I am the only person in this predicament...everyone else seems to be married or have an SO or are dating...and don't seem to have these problems. Am I the only fat girl out there who is this insecure? And what the hell was going on with that guy? Was he talking to me because he thought I might be the only straight girl in this bar's radius? Was he just being friendly because he's from indiana and that's how people are outside of the big city? Was he going to lure me to this club only to have a bucket of pig's blood dumped on my head like the movie "Carrie"?

How am I supposed to deal with stuff that I should have learned years ago but didn't because I let my weight and appearance stunt my emotional maturity??