i somehow managed to delete what i believed to be a great first entry. my idiocy knows no bounds.

so here we go. my "blog" ... i hate that word. so much. so this isn't my blog. this is my diary. and i invite anyone who is interested, to follow my little struggle, my journey, with myself and my weight-loss. the more the merrier.

so lets recap.... i was banded on 5/16/11... two weeks ago today. (which means i officially am in mushy town YES)

i'll be 27 years old when the end of june hits. in january i weighed 304lbs. today i weigh 275. i feel as if i'm in the limbo of lapbanding. i lost some weight with the all liquid diet, i'll likely gain some back as i venture into soft foods... and then i have about another month or so until i get my first fill... that magical first fill that's going to be the real start to this journey.

i grew up in malibu, ca. i was and probably still am just about the heaviest person to ever live in that town. it was hard growing up there, weighing 250lbs in high school. but i suppose that's true anywhere.

the only time i ever remember seeing myself thin was when i was sifting through some old photos some months back, and came upon a picture of me eating a hamburger (of course) in a hotel room. i must have been 4 years old. i'd never before or since seen myself that..... normal looking.

after reading some peoples posts/profiles/tickers on here, i feel that my journey is longer than most. it is a bit disenchanting, to say the least... but then i find that silver lining, that HEY AT LEAST I'M DOING IT, NOW. if not, the number would keep climbing until i literally ate myself to death. because i would do that. because before this surgery that is what i was doing and i knew it. i've got PCOS and type 2 diabetes. food is my drug. food is what numbs me when i need numbing. i eat until my stomach feels like it's going to pop, until it hurts. and when i feel that hurt, i am happy. i waddle to the bathroom, smoke some pot and ready myself for more. food has been my best and oldest friend for as long as i can remember.

i got this surgery because that sick relationship needs to end. and this band... it's the tool that i need to conquer this fucking demon. that and maybe a good psychiatrist.

i'm looking to find other like-minded people. other banditos in the los angeles/ventura county area. anywhere, really. you could live in siberia... i just want to know some people that are going through this. or have gone through this. ideally i would like to have a buddy on this unique journey. another ultra fatty that has somehow let their weight get so out of control that you sometimes think to yourself "what the..."

i had a boyfriend of six years that i could talk to about anything. he was my rock and my BFF that would happily let me stir him from sleep at 3am so i could complain about something completely stupid and unimportant. he died just over a year and a half ago.. and now i am alone. my mom is my best friend and i'm completely lucky to have her. beyond lucky. her goodness is ineffable and knows no bounds... but she could never understand the mindfuck that is my obese insides. bless her lil heart.

i dont know where this entry is going... nowhere, i suppose. i came here to introduce myself... let off some steam... i want to keep this diary up, i want to read back this first entry in six months and feel relief at how far i've come and how much better i feel.

everyone asks my ideal weight... i mumble out something like "150?" but really that isnt true. it isnt even a number. it's a feeling. i want to feel confident. i want to feel happy with myself. i want to feel healthy. i want to feel like exercising. i want to feel like going out in public and not be paranoid all the time that people are staring at me. i want to feel like i can go to a restaurant and not have to worry if my belly will fit in that booth, or have to ask someone "um, do you mind if i push the table closer to you?" i just want to be happy. and for me, it is impossible to be truly happy at such an uncomfortable, unhealthy weight.

anyway. i don't really expect anyone to read this. but i'd be happy if someone does. if my writing here can make someone else feel like they're not the only freak or something... i dont know...

it's nice to have a place to vent.

until next time,

j