Well, this is my first blog post. I have been visiting this site for the past 2 months studying and researching the Lapband procedure. I am a Christian who knows the healing power of God. I went through a divorce 7 years ago after a 10 year marriage. The main reason for the divorce was my husband's infidelity. However, through the recovery process, I accepted my part in the whole thing. This was mainly co-dependency and putting my husband before my relationship with God. Through Celebrate Recovery, my church and family I have recovered from my divorce by giving God control of my life. I was able to forgive everyone who hurt me, and I have remarried to a wonderful godly man. We adopted our daughter after her family fell apart. She is about to turn 14.

However, the one area that I have not been successful giving to God is my issues with food. I have been overweight all of my life. I started dieting in high school and lost a significant amount of weight with diet pills. I was still bigger than my friends, but I would love to be that size today. My weight fluctuated within about 50 pounds until my marriage got really bad. At that time, I see now, that food became my friend. I was lonely and often uncomfortable in my own home. Food became my escape. Now I am about 100 pounds overweight. I am 39, and my health is beginning to suffer because of the excess weight. My Mom has type 2 diabetes and multiple other problems and complications mainly caused from an unhealthy lifestyle. Right now my only problems are PCOS, infertility, and painful knees and feet. I have to make changes now to avoid my Mom's fate.

About 3 years ago, I began praying about having lapband surgery. I was in a different place in my life wanting different things. At that time I was desperate, but not really ready to make the necessary lifestyle changes to be successful. I didn't know this at the time, but God did. He did answer my prayer then - with a "No." I then signed up for Weight Watchers again. I was determined to do it. I spent 2 years on the program and only lost about 18 pounds. At least I did not gain over that time. During that time, I did learn that my relationship with food was a problem. I would stick to the plan for a period of time. Then I would have a bad day, special occasion, etc. and lose control. On those days, I never really got full. I undid all the good I did in a few weeks in one day. I prayed for help and started each day fresh, vowing to do better. When I did have these weak moments, I usually didn't realize it in time to ask God for help. I had usually done the damage before I realized it.

In October, I attended my 20 year class reunion. I found out that one of my good friends from hgih school had lapband surgery. This really got me to thinking about it, but I still wasn't sure it was right for me. In February, I began praying for God to show me if I should have this surgery. There was a seminar on my anniversary at the end of the month, and I planned to attend unless I felt God telling me "no" again, which I fully expected. Surprisingly, it seems like God has opened up doors since then. I went to the seminar at the end of February and had my first consultation with the surgeon that day. I began the process of seeing my primary care physician, nutritionist, psychologist, etc. All of the paperwork was submitted to the insurance company on April 21. I have talked to the insurance company who said that I have met all the requirements and my letter was in the mail. I hope that means that they will be paying for the surgery. I think I will be responsible for about $1,300, but I have saved that much in preparation for the surgery. I have an appointment with my surgeon on Monday to hopefully to set my date.

My big concern now is will I be able to make the necessary diet and exercise changes permanently. I hope that the band will be my backup system. By that I mean, when I get into the situations I described above where I tend to overeat, that the band will be my constant reminder. I have been trying to prepare myself emotionally to let go of food as my friend and escape. I am trying to learn to bring my emotional issues to God (and maybe I can vent them here also) so that I won't need food to comfort me. I so want food to be only nutrition to me. I understand that (at least for me) I have to completely change the way I think about food. I hope the band is the tool that I need to make that change. However, there is also a fear inside of me that says, "I haven't been able to make changes before, can I really do it now?"

I guess that is enough about me for now, but I will be back. I have never been one to keep a journal for very long, but I feel like I need to log this journey to be successful. I think it will help hold me accountable.