I am very angry. I discovered that yesterday when my husband came back from getting his hair cut (we use the same person), and said "We were talking about you getting the LapBand, and she (the hair stylist) said she sure wished you could see a nutritionist before doing this". Something snapped inside my head . . . I actually heard it. It took me a moment to realize that it was inside my head and not something that my husband heard. The anger came out . . . not literally, but all the anger that I have kept inside of me for years and years. I've never been good at expressing anger because I have always been "the nice one". Whenever my family or friends want to do something I do it (whether I really want to or not), because I'm "the nice one". My Mother taught me that we always put others first (that's what Christ did), and everyone's feelings come first. So, whenever I have gotten angry in the past, I felt guilty and so I hid it. Well, not anymore. I told my husband that I did not appreciate him discussing my LBand with anyone else. It wasn't his to discuss. It was my decision, and I will choose who I tell and who I don't. I left to go get ready for this award supper for his 15 years at the company, which I cannot tell you how much I did NOT want to go. I cried the entire time I was getting ready. He came in about 20 minutes later, and that's when I let him have it. I told him that he needed to take a couple of days and decide whether or not he was really going to support my decision. He's either on board with it or not. And it doesn't really matter to me at this point. His decision doesn't affect mine. For the 1st time, I told him this was ALL ABOUT ME!!! I am tired of being fat, and fearful that each time I step on the scales I will tip the 300lb mark. I watched "The Half Ton Man" on the Discovery Health Channel yesterday, and my husband said, "I don't have any idea how people can get to that point". I told him I understood completely, and that I could get to that point so very easily. He said he didn't believe me, so I got up and left. People with addictions get that way. I have an addictive personality. Smoking and eating are my addictions. The truth about a food addict is that it's the one addiction you can never get away from. Smokers, alcoholics and people who use drugs . . . . once they get sober, they don't ever use cigarettes, alcohol or drugs again. When you're a food addict, you can't not ever eat again. It's the one addiction that you have to keep using.

Who am I angry with? Everyone and no one. I'm angry at my family and friends, the strangers I see at the store. I'm angry at me.

Last night was torture. I smiled, made polite conversation and laughed in all the appropriate places, because socially that's what they expect you to do.

Today, my husband asked me what was wrong, and I told him that I was angry. Not the yelling, spitting kind, but the kind that comes from way down deep. He asked if I was angry at him, and I told him that this wasn't about him, but me. I will talk with him about it when the time comes, but it's not now.

Tomorrow I go for my first appt with the Doc about getting the LBand. I told my husband I didn't want him there.